Greetings to all from the left coast out here at Seattle's Best Ferret
Haven, Ferrets NorthWest FNW, United States of America
 
This Sunday, 31st August, noon 'til 5pm will be the best darn ferret
frolics/olympics anywhere, anytime!  Yeah.
 
There will be a total of 14 events, two to which I'd like to draw your
attention.  These two events are the swimming event and the land speed
dashes, each run over a precisely measured 25-foot plus/minus 1/4-inch
tolerance course, one in the water, and the other on the land.
 
The objective is to plot the speed in mph of the ferrets in these two
environments relative to sex, reproductive state, and age of the various
ferrets participating.  Hopefully these plots will outline a bell-shaped
curve demonstrating the differing velocities of these mustelids (related to
the salt and fresh water otters, remember?).
 
As far as is known, no studies have ever been made of these ferret
characteristics, so we may be the very first to publish.  We would encourage
all hosts of ferret fun events and those wimpy ferret shows to consider
duplicating these two events, so that a more meaningful consensus may be
reached as the numbers sampled then become significant.  Just what is the
mean/average speed of a mature ferret in the water and on the land?  Have
you ever wondered?  Also, do you really give a damn?
 
These are the design criteria: both courses must be precisely laid out to
exactly 25 feet, plus or minus 1/4-inch tolerance.  The ferret is to be
totally bouyant for the full 25 feet before landfall.  The tip of the
ferret's nose bud coincident with the starting line and the finishing line
is the marker for the timing, which should be measured as accurately as
possible to the 100th of a second.  Owners may, if they care to, allow three
trail runs per course, one of which is to be the final time.  The ferret's
course must of course be normal to both the starting line and the finish
line.
 
The three ferrets with the shortest times are awarded Certificates of FERRET
MERIT.  All other ferrets are awarded Certificates of Participation.
 
To be significant as a true measure of the ferret's capability, I should
like to invite all ferret show hosts to duplicate this olympic event at
every sponsored event throughout this great country as well as abroad, and I
should like to further request that the results of these olympic trials be
sent to my email address    [log in to unmask]   for pin-pointing their
individual ferret's water and land achievements on our bell-shaped curve.
 
For those ferreters (ferretresses) in the local region, they may entertain
these events twice yearly, the last Sunday in June and the last Sunday in
August at a local fresh-water beach park on beautiful Lake Washington
(Sayre's).  Additionally the last Sunday in January every year we celebrate
the New Year with a Ferret Vet Pot-luck Party in a local school in the
village of Woodinville Washington.  Here selected vets talk to the ferret
folk during our indoor picnic about their experiences with ferrets in their
medical practices.  Ferret gaming follows the Q & A.
 
The final velocities of the ferrets are to be expressed in miles per hour,
since this notation is perhaps more meaningful to the average person than
velocities expressed in feet per second.  Using a Casio Data Bank wristwatch
Model No. 642, if one enters the time in seconds as a multiplicant of a
constant K, the readout on the face of the watch will be in Miles per Hour.
 
To be more precise, and I hope accurate, the constant K is entered first as
a constant K and all later entries are made as the reciprocal of the time in
seconds, and is to be multiplied by the constant K.  The constant K is given
as: 17.0454545, such that a recorded time of 30.73 seconds(its reciprocal)
yields a velocity of 5.54683 times 10 to the minus one Miles per Hour.
 
I would appreciate your checking my definition(derivation) of the constant K
and the above brief calculation.
 
Thank you for your interest and helpful comments, I'm certain will follow
this posting.
 
Edward Frettchenvergnuegen Lipinski,
der Frettchen Meister von Mercer Inselreich,
Der Staat Washingon,
Die Vereinigten Staaten von Nordamerika
[Posted in FML issue 2050]