While it is true I am at home, I am staying with friends because my house is
being fumigated for termites, so my internet connections are dependent on
going to the university.  Gosh, I love the midwest.  Even though it will be
safe for me to return to the house later this week, I'm keeping the
fuzzbutts out of it until the end of the month.
 
Q: (Private Post) "You have said you study skeletons?  Why study ferret
   skeletons?  It sounds sort of gross."
 
A: It can be gross, no bones about it. But I will fight tooth and nail to
study osteology, because it is not a subject for boneheads, and because it
is so much fun it sends me out of my skull. Still, as a subject is can be
dry and brittle, and is quite a dead subject at parties.
 
Normally I study animals remains found in human contexts, or at least those
that can be applied to human contexts.  Most of my museum work is geared to
that end, as well as my PhD.  However, in non-PhD research, I have been
studying the teeth and skeletons of polecats and ferrets for several
reasons.  First, I want to see if ferret skeletons look different from
polecat or feral ferret skeletons.  I am using advanced morphometric
techniques, including 3D modeling of various skeletal elements.  Second, I
want to determine if I can identify ferret remains in archaeological sites;
there are lots of recovered polecats, but only a couple of ferrets.  My
guess is some of the polecats are ferrets.  This would be very important in
helping to determine the true domestication of the ferret.  Lastly, I want
to see how feral ferret skeletons look compared to pet ferrets and wild
polecats.  For example, if a dead ferret was found, could I tell, by the
skeleton, if it was feral or a lost pet?  I think I can, so long as the
animal found in the feral state had been there its entire life.  All three
investigations can have quite positive benefits in the fight for ferret
rights in the USA, and even worldwide.
 
So, as you can see, even though playing with bones can be gross, there can
be some nice benefits associated with their study.  I do have serious
problems, however; the worst being a lack of suitable skeletal material.  In
the largest museums in the USA, I have seen twice as many black-footed
ferret skeletons than domesticated ferrets, and even less from the European
polecat.  I have only managed to find a small handful from the steppe
(Chinese) polecat.  So my sample sizes are still too small, even though many
people have elected to donate the remains of their departed and beloved pets
towards the study.  I hope to spend some time in European museums later, but
until then, its catch as catch can.
 
Q: (Private Post): Do you really have 17 ferrets? How do you keep up with
   the poop?
 
A: At this exact point on the space-time continuum, I have 21 ferrets.  As
for the poop, I just let it get all hard and dry, then sweep it over to the
floor vent and drop it into the furnance ducts.  Later, I sell the dried and
mummified remains as fossil dino poop.  Some day, I'll be "King of Poop."
 
Poop is a weird thing with ferrets.  As strict territorialist carnivores,
poop is not just an elimination, its an adventure in social responsibility.
Each poopie might only say to feeble human olfactory senses "I was once a
raisin and kibble," but to the super-dooper Kryptonian olfactory senses of
the ferret, it says, "Jet was here, played around, squinted her eyes and
looked very serious, and then left this olfactory calling card for all to
enjoy, so sniff and be happy."
 
I get a 100% hit rate on the litter boxes in the bedtime cages.  But when
the beasties are running loose, the hit rate drops to 70-80%, and I'm quite
happy for that much.  Each ferret is an individual when it comes to a
particular hit rate; at least in my group, the males do worse than the
females, and some ferts are consistent box users, while others sniff the
box, then go beside it.  I have watched my ferts carfully on this matter,
and am convinced the worst offenders for missing the box are those who have
had their anal glands removed.  Prehaps the lack of anal scent is making
them attempt to make the area over and over.  This may not be true; just an
observation within my business.
 
You have to understand that ferrets are not like people, dogs or cats in
that they do not use their eyes as the primary sense organ.  Many times,
ferrets will smell something, find it using their nose, then look at it.
(Ever notice a fert sniffing around when all they have to do is look at the
darn thing right in front of them?)  I have read the dog's nose is 200 times
more sensitive than a humans, and I would imagine the ferret's nose is more
sensitive than the dogs, based on brain structure and nasal passages.  (The
best way to visualize this is to imagine a ferret's head the same size as
the head of a bloodhound.  Which would have the largest nose?  The ferret.)
So, once a ferret marks a location as a latrine, even though we can sanitize
it and make it smell like a hundred and one baby butts, the ferret can
*still* smell the past poopie markers, so returns to it for additional use.
 
I am convinced that ferrets are smart enough to be taught to use the box
100% of the time, but the amount of human-involved effort makes it nearly
impossible for me.  So I have a compromise; they use the box most of the
time, and I pick up the occasional miss when I see it.  I'm just glad the
beasties are *not* the size of bloodhounds.
 
Bob C and the 21 Missouri Poopmeisters
[Posted in FML issue 2034]