TO ALL THOSE WHO JUST MIGHT BE A LITTLE CURIOUS, please peruse the
following:
 
1.  What is the speed of a swimming fert, in MPH?  Wanna'  find out. . .
    be there.
2.  Ditto,  but on a grass race course . . . fert land speed in MPH?
    Yea . . .be  there.
3.  Just how fast can a fert zip down a slalom ski course?  We's gonna
    find out.
4.  Does it take forever for a fert to punch his way out of a paper
    grocery bag?  We'll find out at the fert olympics.
5.  How many points can a lucky fert owner get by slip-sliding his sopping
    wet fert, just out of the swimming trials, along a down-sloping plastic
    heet bowling alley to the red marker at the end, 5 Pts, or to the yellow
    marker closer up, 2 Pts; Off onto the grass gets nada, nichts, nuthin.
    Lookout for the weasel whoopie dance at end of slide!
6.  Amidst beggings, cajolings, and panicky pleadings, how quickly can an
    owner get his fert to traverse two wire tubes, a large clear plastic
    garbage bag, and thru an exit wire tube and out onto the grass?  Come
    on . . .find out at the FERRET FROLICS FERRET OLYMPICS.
7.  Pay attention to this: between full arm extensions, elbows locked, how
    many kisses is a fert capable of giving its owner when limited to one
    kiss between extensions?  (Think about it)
8.  30 seconds to traverse the greatest distance on all-fours.  Not the
    ferret, but the owner.  Yes, but with the ferret on his back as a
    jockey.  A noted fert wrangler will run alongside with a large salmon
    net to snare the fert in case he suddenly dismounts with a graceful leap
    or a tumbling dribble, rolling fall betwixt the gluteus maxis.
9.  30 seconds to find out who can set a world's record of repititious
    yawns; the fert, that is, not the owner.  I darn near yawn just
    visualizing an acre of yawning ferts.
10. Sinus clearing inhaler: or, who's got the Fastest Sniffer in the West.
    Whose fert can sniff/snort/sneeze his way the length of a yard-long
    string soaked in a solution of fresh ferret scent oozie stuff and a
    little bit of water.  Also a second yard-long scent string will be
    available for the fert to choose the one string that interests him/her
    the most; the second string is soaked in a solution of fert feces and
    water.  Important science here: will a female fert choose one over the
    other?  What about neutered and intact ferts?  Which string will be
    chosen by what kind of fert and who'll be the fastest?  Hmm.  Is this
    science, or what?
11. Owner down on all fours again.  Blindfolded.  His fert put down on
    the grass inside an enclosure on the grass defined by a rope (Navy guys
    say, line).  Owner is helped to feel-find his fert by crowd of
    on-lookers who guide(?) the owner with shouts of COLD!  WARM!  or HOT!
    depending upon owner's azimuth and distance or proximity to fert, who,
    by the way, is untethered during the search.  Rumors have it that once
    in a while, the fert is snatched away and a little dachshund is
    substituted for the owner to feel find.  That'll bring the blindfold
    off with one quick swipe!
12. Balloon Buster.  Easy.  Fert into a small cage with four inflated
    balloons.  Is given one minute to burst first balloon; owner must inflate
    replacement balloon(s) for next contestant.  Note that some ferrets will
    burst all four balloons very quickly.
13. Eskimo Toss.  Greatest number of flights tolerated by ferret (usually
    do weasel whoopie dance between flights) is awarded WINGS on Certificate
    of FERRET MERIT.
14. Ferret/owner look-alike Costumes.  Both participants display same theme
   in costuming.  Will likely appear on KING TV5 television news and on front
   pages of Monday's papers.
 
First 3 place winners are awarded Certificates of FERRET MERIT, suitable for
framing.
 
Volunteers are needed to make these FERRET FROLICS/FERRET OLYMPICS a
success.  Please contact sponsoring ferret club, Ferrets NorthWest FNW,
by email or phone, respectively:    [log in to unmask]        [206]
232-1228
 
Fee of 50 cents per ferret per event, or 5 dollars for all events per
ferret.
 
Location of this merriment:  In Seattle, 3800 block of Lake Washington
Blvd. South, on the beach where the hydorplanes are raced at a beach park
called Sayre's Park.  Hope you and your ferts can be there, weather
permitting.
 
Edward Lipinski, who wishes all of you: FRETTCHENVERGNUEGEN ! (Ferret Joy !)
 
Edward Frettchenvergnuegen Lipinski,
der Frettchen Meister von Mercer Inselreich,
Der Staat Washingon,
Die Vereinigten Staaten von Nordamerika
[Posted in FML issue 2038]