Hello.  We are new.   We are four.  We live in Madison, Wisconsin, where
MOST of the population is enlightened and we are quite popular.  HOWEVER, we
currently reside in an attractive but old-fashioned condo community that -
theoretically at least - limits condo owners to a measly two pets of any
kind. (Mommy was misled by her real estate agent concerning this rule or she
never would have bought this place.)  Of course, LOTS of people here have
more than two pets anyway, on account of this is exactly the kind of dumdum
"law" that gets written by the kind of Human Bean who apparently assumes
three goldfish will poop on the landscape as much as three St. Bernards
will. Sometimes Bean minds are as inflexible as Bean backbones! (Maybe these
particular Beans got stranded here on their way to California.) So we have
to be Mommy's sweet secrets!! Civil Disobedience in the Cause of Glorious
Fertdom!  (Mommy says don't get carried away.  'Scuse me all over the place.)
 
Mommy's been reading the stuff here on and off for a few months, and she
feels SO sad over all the sick ferts, on account of there just ISN'T
anything much sadder than a sick fert...she thinks (we agree) that if any
earthly critter is meant to be happy, healthy and carefree, it's us!  I had
a cold once and had to have antibiotics and guzzle Ferretvite, and Hopper
(I'll tell you more about her later) bumped her eye hopping, as usual, full
speed ahead without watching where she was going, and had to have goop put
in it for awhile, but otherwise we've been lucky, I guess.
 
Anyway, I am Chief Correspondent Bumble Bobbitt (male, more or less), and my
lovely "harem" consists of Blanche Du Bois, Red Hedda Hopper and Patient
Griselda (all fixed-but-fun).  We came from Madison pet stores where we were
treated with the love and respect we deserve!  I am 3 1/2, Blanche is 3,
Hopper is 2 1/2, and Grizz is 2.  I am chocolate and devastatingly handsome
and give scrumptious kisses...I am learning a sort of triple-tongue (a
musical reference in case you're worried) French style that makes Mommy's
lips buzz; Blanche, a cute blonde with ruby eyes, is a recovering nipper (as
a mere kit she rode to her new home in a taxi, escaped from her box, wiggled
under the driver's seat, chomped his ankle, and continued her career of
chomping various Bean appendages for about a year before mellowing); Hopper
is cinnamon and skinny and bops and bounces higher than any other fert in
the world, I bet (Is there a contest for this?  It would do her ego good to
win something on account of ...don't tell her I said this...she's sometimes
a bit of a dimbulb - most of her brains are in her feet); and Mizz Grizz is
light sable, plump and peaceful and has possibly the most gorgeous fert-face
on the whole planet!  I'm the Boss of the Bunch (I tell myself) on account
of being the oldest and knowing a lot of Bean words and weighing the most.
Sometimes the girls dispute this by ganging up and rolling me around for the
good of my soul, but I love them all and they love me and life is grand as
you can see.
 
We have had many adventures among the four of us, like when I accidentally
got tossed out with the garbage the night after Christmas on account of I
crawled into one of those nifty big green bags full of crinkly wrapping
paper.  Mommy didn't have a clue as to what had become of me and had turned
the house inside out by the time she overheard a TV commercial saying "This
tea does everything for you but take out the garbage"...then lots of
brouhaha, flashlights and calling and sobbing with relief!!  (Mommy's kind
of emotional sometimes.) Then there was the time Baby Grizz squeezed her
tiny self into the practically invisible space under the bottom of a
bathroom sink cabinet so its baseboard had to be ripped out.  And the time
Hopper blithely dooked right through the second floor banisters and plopped
into the first floor hall, causing her enormous SURPRISE but no damage and
absolutely horrifying poor old Mommy.  Oh, we have many fascinating stories
and would love to tell them sometime (we even helped get Mommy together with
her SO, Uncle Greg...before he met us, the only fert-thing he'd heard of was
a record album about weasels ripping Frank Zappa 's flesh or face or
something.  I don't think this was fair of Mr. Zappa on account of Blanche
swears she's never even met him.)
 
For now, tho', we just want to introduce ourselves to all you other
fascinating ferts and Beans.
 
Catch ya' later!
[Posted in FML issue 2024]