Scooter Starflake's Horrors Scooper for June 1997
 
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Important: on the day when you see a giraffe be sure to do two things; first
buy a lottery ticket, second buy raisins.  Let your long necked vision guide
you -- spots, brown, gold.  It's not for nothing that you are the twin sign.
Get your ferrets BOTH golden and regular raisins.  BTW, your ego may have a
few swelling problems this month; balance that with ferret hugs and absolute
servitude to your four footed betters.
 
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
What can I say?  You're crabby.  Seek enlightenment by doing something truly
wonderful for ferrets this month, then allow them to kiss you up your
nostrils.  It's better than accupuncture and twice as much fun!
 
Leo  (July 23 - August 22)
Still seeking courage?  Look no further.  Add a female ferret to your
household and you will have a protector for life.  And give Dorothy those
tacky red slippers back; they look horrid on you.
 
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Yeah, right!  How come YOU get to be called the Virgo when we're the ones
who got short changed in that department by being neutered?  You owe us big
time, buddy.  Buy ferrets carob raisins the first week, Nutrical the second
week, satin sheets the third week, and 47 catnip mousies with bells to
finish off the month.  Oh, and your horrors scooper also declares that if
you don't get real someone WILL mistake you for a corner!
 
Libra  (September 23 - October 23)
According to my cohorts in the business when Mars enters your sign on the
20th you will feel "like you are being pushed by a force beyond your
control".  It's that attractive albino male who really needs a home.  Get
out to your local ferret shelter and pick him up or you will always feel
guilty.  Liberate the guy!
 
Scorpio (October 24 - November 22)
In June your bark will be worse than your sting, but don't forget to
apologise to a fuzz-ball for yelling just because that furry helped clean
the table by spilling your soda pop on it.  If you did not want it
sugar-laminated you should have posted a sign.  Look for love this month;
it's in a ferret's long suffering eyes.  How could you be so cruel to not
appreciate the tacky texture of a sweet surface?
 
Sagittarius (November 23 - December 20)
Will you ever get the point?  Take aim and focus on your partnership with
ferrets this month.  Although we don't like our ears cleaned or our claws
cut your mark is true this month and your hand steady.  Of course this means
you should take advantage of the situation and buy that HUGE bottle of
Linatone you spotted.
 
Capricorn  (December 21 - January 19)
Well, you goats may eat anything, but we are more fussy.  Why haven't you
ordered your ferrets 72 flavors of high protein food and Tiger's Milk Bars?
Remember, I have your chart in front of me; you were supposed to do this
last month!  No, don't bleat an excuse; you can just can it.
Never-the-less, this WILL be a good month for you; you will buy loads of
baggy cloths which ferrets can climb in for rides.  Good for you!
 
Aquarius  (January 20 - February 18)
Oh, and will you EVER bear water for ferrets this month because it is going
to get dry!  Don't forget to use two forks for the best results when you
stir Nutrical into some of your offerings.  Make big plans five times this
month, then break them twice to play with your fur-balls instead for your
best luck.
 
Pisces  (February 19 - March 19)
Though the month will start sluggishly you will get along swimmingly in the
creative ferret toy construction phase which marks the end of the month.
Look to find a market for your best results.  Allow your furry family to
sample and test each iteration.  Refrain from playing poker.
 
Aries  (March 20 - April 19)
This month you will be confused.  Enjoy it; this is the natural state for a
human trying to fathom the deep intellect of ferrets.  Accept your
irrational behavior and realize that even you may eventually learn that the
keys go under the right side of the couch, and the wallet belongs behind the
toilet.
 
Taurus  (April 20 - May 20)
You will be told that we need our teeth cleaned and our ears assaulted
(again and again).  Need I say what that is a load of?  When experts in
ferret health say this realize that this is the wrong time for you to
undertake such things.  Put your fingers in your ears and turn away.  Then
let your ferrets lick the wax out from under your fingernails.  And people
were insulting THEIR ears!  The nerve of humans -- wait till we get an
infection and panic; it's more entertaining.  Our cohorts tell us that you
should sit in the sun and breathe; we prefer that to the option of you not
breathing.
[Posted in FML issue 1926]