Hi FML!  This is Elizabeth again, daughter of Madman Bob of Missouri.  Dad
came home from the hotel a couple of hours ago, and promptly fell asleep on
the floor while playing with the ferrets.  He is still there, snoring louder
than a junkyard dog growls, covered with ferret bodies.  Did you like the
junkyard dog thing?  I stole it from dad, who can make up that stuff faster
than anyone I know.  I think dad was born way to soon.  I think he would
have great as one of those guys that hung out at the store, playing checkers
and swapping stories.  All he needs is the gut.
 
Well, I got alot of mail asking what dad was really like, so I thought I
would let you all in on his secrets.  Dad is a really intense person who
works constantly.  He used to only sleep three hours a way, but since all
his surgeries, he sleeps about six hours and hates it.  Even when he is
watching tv, which isn't alot, he brings in the laptop and works on
something.  I've kidded him alot about his room, and I should because he had
file cabinets filled to bursting, and shelves covered with books.  He also
has at least 3 file cabinets worth of boxes filed with files he needs to put
away, but hasn't bought the cabinets yet.  He has two microscopes, a giant
telescope he uses to look at deep sky objects, and all the computers he ever
owned.  He still plays a dumb star trek game on his old commodore.  He has a
tiny tv which is always playing a baseball game (I think it is the only
channel), He is the worlds greatest Padres fan, and VERY loyal.
 
Most of that stuff I think is pretty boring, but I do like dads music
collection.  He has hundreds of cds, but his favorite music is really loud
stuff with even louder guitars.  Sometimes he places the speakers face down
on the floor and cranks it up so the ferrets will run around trying to
figure out what is happening.  He quit when he accidentally ruined a speaker
by playing it too loud and the front blew up.  Sometimes a new friend will
come over and hear Metalica turned up really loud and think my parents are
really cool for letting my brother play music so loud, then dad walks out,
wearing shorts and sandals, and with his hair down, carrying half a dozen
ferrets.  It is really a sight.  That once happened when one of my
girlfriends mom came over to pick her up.  Dad came up and asked if she
wanted some coke, and she said she didn't use drugs.  So dad just asked if
sex and rock and roll was out as well.  Sometimes he is just so embarrassing!
My friend's mom now thinks dad is really great, but a little weird.
 
Dad REALLY loves animals.  One of my earliest memories is dad fixing a hawk
or eagle that was ran over by a truck.  He still stops at raod killed birds
to remove their wing and tail feathers, then mails them to a vet that fixes
hurt birds.  Dad really loves his ferrets and spends alot of time making
them happy.  He says the trick is to think like a ferret.  So he bites them
when they get into trouble, gives them his surprise of the day, and digs in
the dirt with them.  I once saw him standing in the corner and thought he
was using it like the ferrets and told him he was sick to take the ferret
thing so far, but it turned out he was trying to take a picture of an
overhead view of a ferrt backing into the corner.  The next week, as a joke,
he bought an old commode and was setting on it in the corner when I came
home.  (Now its outside with the hole filled with cholla cactus.)
 
Right now dad is sleeping on the front room floor, and seven ferrets are
sleeping on top of him, and six others are sleeping on the floor around him.
His ferrets love him too, and follow him all over the house.  Stella can be
dead asleep, but always comes out a sleeps between dads feet.  Bear will
walk back and forth across dads lap until he pets him, them curls up and
falls asleep on dad lap.  Sammy loves to lick dad's eyebrows, which makes
dad nervous because Sam still does the lick-lick-chomp.  I think dad
favorite ferret is Razz because someone cut off her fingers and she has such
a hard time fighting the other ferrets.  She sleeps alot in dad pockets, and
dad feds her treats from his lips.
 
Next week I will start running alot more, so will only write once in a
while.  I will write down all the funny things dad does with his ferrets so
you can laugh at him as much as I do.  See you at the FML thingie!
 
Elizabeth
[Posted in FML issue 1902]