First, I want to thank my good friend Pat for yelling at me for saying
vitamen B was fat soluble.  I was a fat head to say that.  I actually meant
to type an "E" but who knows what happened.  Brain fart or something.I
actually think there are grimlins in the ether.  Eh, you didn't change that
'E' to a 'B,' did you BIG?  <G>
 
It finally happened yesterday.  As some of you now, I have wonderfully long
and fluffy hair.  Has waves in it.  Well, Balistic had been very ill, and
has taken to laying on the back of my neck (head draped to one side and feet
to the other) while I read my journals.  Kind of like a ferret scarf.  Well,
yesterday, as she was snoozing, I kind of dozed off while reading about
population dynamics of elk and deer.  Someone must have broke into my house
and made a sudden loud snorting sound--kind of nasal--because both Balistic
and I jumped up to get away from the horrible noise.
 
Balistic ran up the side of my head and was on the way down the other side
when one of her toes tangled in the thick flowing hair I boast about.  Yep,
you guessed it, she panicked and, well, I think she thought my nose was a
place to hide, because she definately wanted to crawl inside it.  Now, my
nose isn't that large, and the fit was rather tight, so she thought she
might dig her way in.  All this time, I'm trying to catch this wacky weasel
running around my head, playing Maypole with my hair.
 
Well, I got a pretty good scratch under my nose, lost some of that thick
hair when I yanked Balistic off, and both of us had to have some French
vanilla to settle down.  Now if I can only figure out who was snoring.
 
Q: I heard you adopted biters and they no longer bite. How did you do it?
 
A: Because I can now technically define the action as "gumming."
 
Not really.  Honest.  (Boy, between this and the "Cats.  The Other White
Meat" comment, PETA will be visiting with some of those rubberband thingies
sometimes used on farm livestock.  Don't litigate, ligate!)
 
Actually, mostly I do nothing but handle the beastie as much as possible.
Truth is, biting is usually a fear response, and once the little guy gets to
know you, they stop.  Lots of love and attention will solve most of the
worst cases, given a little time.  I just make handling as pleasurable as
possible, giving treats, scratching, tickling, etc.  Worked on Crystal,
which is saying quite a lot, as my Portland friends can testify.  Let's just
say she could get her 'point' across.
 
There is alot of controversy about physical punishment in this matter, and
all I have to say is I've never needed to use it.  If a lick-lick-bite is
taking place, I just put my finger under the beasties nose (covering the
holes) and push in and up.  They usually stop, but if they continue, I
either distract them with a game, or put them down on the floor (which they
hate).  Even so, there are some beasties that seem to *like* to bite, and
scruffing or yelling might be necessary.  It is important to remember the
brains in these beasties are the size of walnuts, so be consistant and fair,
and sooner or later, they will figure it out.
 
If nothing else works (and I MEAN everything has failed after numerous
attempts), I do know one trick that has never failed (so far as I know), but
would be considered by some to be rather drastic.  I learned this trick with
a cripled mink I was getting healthy enough to send off to a rehab center.
This beast would bite at every opportunity.  It was as if he wanted to bite,
and would watch your eyes until they blinked, then he would dash in for a
piece of "Bob Steak," rare.
 
I blended a can of jalapenos and some really hot peppers, making a thin
runny soup.  I then diped a cotton swab in the stuff, picked up the mink,
and let him bite me.  As soon as his teeth clamped down, in went the swab.
Needless to say, the guy raced around a minute or so, looking for the creep
that was biting his tongue.  I picked the beast up again, and this time as
he *started* to bite, I waved the swab under his nose.  No bite.  I repeated
this for three days, after which the beastie refused to bite.  Stopped him
completely.  I never had to repeat the procedure; just the smell of peppers
would keep him from biting.  (I have substituted powered alum, but not as
effective.)
 
Now before I get a ton of e-mail calling me a creep for burning the poor
guy's mouth, let me just say that *I* feel discomfort associated with biting
is preferable to physical pain associated to a person.  Besides, I always
give a little Tums disolved in milk to neutralize the acids and quickly stop
the sensation.  I would only recommend this for really bad cases, or cases
in which you are fearful the beastie might get its head cut off for biting
someone.  Its a last-resort procedure.
 
Now, for those who want to win bar bets for eating really hot peppers, just
chew a few Tums and swish it around the inside of your mouth just before
eating the thing.  Makes jalepenos taste sweet.  Honest.
 
Mo' Bob and the 18 Gummers of that other white meat. (Missing Gus)
[Posted in FML issue 1710]