Just to let everyone know that the research is going well on the Ferret
Paper (as it has come to be called), and to thank all those who have
responded to my plaintive cry for help. I still need newspaper accounts
of ferrets (or any other pet) reacting (biting/attacking/killing/tipping
cows) with people.
 
As promised, I will post all information gathered on the FML (or other
suitable media- it might be quite long).  Some demographic data on
ferret-owners (if there is such a thing!) might be of help.  One of the
ways I might gather this data is to create a web page for those who would
be willing to fill out a questionaire concerning their reactions with the
little beasties, or have one of you volunteer to place such a form on their
page for me (subtle hint...).
 
I am nearly finished with the outline and the argument sequence, and am
building the bibliography.  What I really need are copies from those
in-house government (fed and state) publications that come out against the
little guys (Think economics here.  Does the cost, i.e., investigations,
enforcement, and legal/court justify the possible benefit to society?
Statisticly, you are more liky to die from elephant attacks, bee stings, or
bear maulings than from ferrets.  I have only been able to document two
ferret-related deaths worldwide, ever.  I would worry more about
killer-bees...) Also, does anyone have a copy of the humane society's
policy statements concerning ferrets, or a copy of the charter?  I would
love to tear apart their current position using their own words and
documents.  Anything can help...
 
BTW, this is just a thought, but if you really want to make your
displeasure known about the ferret situation, then you should go after the
local humane shelters as well as the national headquarters.  Local
boycotts, especially those that have the support of the local pet shops,
vets, etc., will carry far more impact at the national level than a few
thousand crazy ferret lovers alone.  Perhaps the Californians (CDFA) could
make their packet available to all interested (why re-invent a sucessful
wheel?), and all the FML and ferret-club people took it to the local vets
and pet shops, etc., the combined weight of displeasure and loss of funds
at the local shelter might make them more humane towards our pet of choice.
If the national bozos were squeezed from within their own organization,
they might become more receptive to us.
 
As for the news organizations; you can just about forget getting them to
listen.  Most are only concerned about "the story"--and they rarely admit
they make any mistakes.  They are quite willing to slant news for ratings
(Bill Williamson sent me a transcript of the Good Morning America show; boy
was I impressed with their objectivity!) Going after the news guys means
nothing.  But go after the people spreading this anti-ferret pap, and you've
created a story (=coverage).  If you go after the local shelters, get some
people down there with picket signs, then place an anonymous call to the
local papers, news radio, and TV.  (I know this will work because I used to
be one of the blood-suckers, became disgusted with the whole purulent mess,
and quit to go back to school.  PLEASE DON'T HATE ME!!!) Make a good case,
make it newsworthy, and become a brave underdog battling an overpowering
adversary, and GMA will air a biased show from OUR point of view.  If you
make the national bozos look incompetent or untruthful, or like they have a
hidden agenda, and you'll be on the Larry King show.  (Forget the talk
shows; unless they are willing to show children who had faces disfigured by
cats or dogs, you will lose as soon as the "Disfigured - by - Ferret" girl
comes out.  Emotions defeat scientific evidence every time- no contest!) A
good alternative is for us to sue the organizations (humane) in question,
naming the leadership.  Even if it is kicked out of court, think of the
negative publicity.  Politicos hate that.
 
Most important!  To work, things have to be organized.  Pick a week and day,
name it "National Ferret Week/Day" and stage nationwide events.  To get good
publicity, you have to do something to get coverage.  I don't know about
you, but I'M willing to spend some bucks to join a national ferret
organization that fights for my friends.  How about a national ferret
registry to earn funds?  If every ferret owner kicked in ten bucks or so per
ferret, think of how much money could be collected to further the cause.
Money is a weapon, and weapons are needed to win battles.  I currently have
five beasties; I pledge $100 to such an organization.  (Believe me, $100 is
a lot to a graduate student.  My friends are worth it!)
 
Lastly, I have been impressed with the FML membership.  Vets, biologists,
archaeologists, teachers, and untold numbers of professionals read this
lit-til thang.  With our combined experience and knowledge....well, you get
the picture.  Why don't we set up a list of tasks that need to be done, and
let the readers volunteer to do it?  For example, we already have someone
who has set up a name-registry; why not include some life data, assign the
ferret a unique number that can be engraved on an id disk, and send out
flyers to shelters and vets telling them to call if they find a lost ferret
wearing such a disk.  Something like "Medic Alert".  It might prevent the
needless killing of lost fuzzies, and it certainly would increase the
awareness of ferrets.  I'm not volunteering ahn for such a job, neccessarily
advocating such a program, nor suggesting FML is the only forum to do this;
it's just an example of what we could do should we set our mind to the task.
I would, however, point out that re-inventing the wheel is wasteful,
time-consuming, and obtuse.  (At last!  I got to use 'obtuse' in a
sentence!)
 
Just a thought or two for consideration. Sorry for preaching to the choir.
 
Bob
Moose, Stella, Daye, Tori, and Bear.
Moose says, "I'm a killer-ferret! Just look at what I've done to this
squeak-toy!  Hiss, chuckle-chuckle, dook-dook-dook...Oh crap, the cat!
(Mad dash to the hidey-hole!)"
 
PS: Many thanks for all the unsolicited one-liners and puns concerning
poopie.  I'll add them to future renditions of the story....gotta scat...;)
[Posted in FML issue 1370]