Dear Ferret Folks-

Well, my sister's divorce just became final a few weeks ago, much to
general relief. She has finally gotten to the point where she accepts
and is comfortable with the thought that her ex-husband, the father of
my most excellent nephew Alexander (7) was oh hell yeah, abusive. You
don't have to make a punch connect to be an abuser. Just a man putting
his fists through the walls, threatening to kill himself if you throw
him out, raging through the house kicking things over and hurling
breakables is *abusive.* When a man acts like that and convinces you
that it's all up to *you* to keep him from behaving like that? That's
*abuse.* She gets that now, and is getting stronger every day.

Alexander has good days and bad. It broke my heart when he asked me
"Did Daddy love me when he used to throw things?" Yeah. Yeah he did.
But not in any reasonable, healthy way. It's helped Alexander
enormously that his father no longer lives in his car, and is in a
half-way house. Alex spent last winter worrying that his father was
cold in the car. (Hope he was. Hope he froze his *uts off, but I
digress...)

We've gotten past his school trying to throw him out for his ADD. That
took months of meetings and a lawyer and a professional Educational
Advocate to set right. Unfortunately, because of someone's loose lips
at his school, he knew they were trying to throw him out and send him
to the "special school", and he wondered why they didn't like him. He's
behind academically and I am not sure what next year will bring, but
for the moment they are *off* his back.

The DSS finally decided that they would close their investigation once
the divorce actually went through. Apparently they have a terrible time
with mothers throwing an abusive and /or negligent father out of the
house and then deciding to take him back. We were having a hell of a
time trying to understand why they were coming around for months and
months and making home visits. (In Massachusetts if you get a
restraining order against your spouse/partner and there are minor
children, they open a home investigation.) My sister wasn't accused of
any negligence of abuse, her ex was. But still, we had 11 months of
visits and never any clear reason for why that was the case. It was
horribly stressful for all involved, and Alex was glad to know that
they are gone for good. He didn't really understand what was going on,
but he could tell that we weren't happy about having them around.

So...One last hurdle. Christmas. I know that many of you have wound up
as single parents, and that was never your plan. You know how hard it
is on the kids, especially that first year. Some of you had divorcing
parents, and you know what all of this feels like from the inside out.
It's hard. It's really hard. And Alex is having a hard time with
Christmas because Daddy won't be there and it won't be the same. No
it won't.

I love this little guy more than life itself. And I will move mountains
if it is within my power. It was such a big help when some of you
kindly sent him cards over Easter last spring. It turned something he
was dreading into something amazing, and it was so healing for him.
(Except for the part where folks sent candy, and we had to hide it on
him! Like many ADD children, sugar is a big issue. He got plenty of
it, just not as much as *he* thought he needed!) He was just awestruck
when he kept getting *mail* that was just for him. I know that he will
understand why when he is older. Right now, it's just magic. If any of
you could find it in your hearts to provide some more magic to get him
over this last hurdle, I would appreciate it so much. He doesn't need
presents, he just needs to know that life will go on, and that it will
be good. Could you consider sending him a Christmas card this year?
And if you have divorced, or have survived divorcing parents could you
please tell him so, and that life will go on? It's a message that he
desperately needs to hear.

And if you are a single parent this Christmas and that was never your
plan, I salute you. It is hard work. *amned hard. And you are amazing
for doing it day in and day out.

Next year? The little guy needs to tough it out on his own. But this
year, a little magic would go a long way.

Thank you-
Alexandra in MA

Alexander Hale 23 Esty Rd.
Princeton MA 01541

PS- If YOU have a kid that needs a card, please write and tell me about
it. I have magic of my own, too!

[Posted in FML 6906]