Dear Cindy Hoomin-

Here's the thing you guys don't understand. We *want* our litterpans
to smell like that. Each weasel's personal pan is an expression of our
inner, artistic selves. When you change our litter you stifle us. It's
like snipping off the newest, tender leaves unfurling from the heart of
a growing plant. The pan tells much, for those who can understand the
message. Where we have been lately, and what we have been doing there.
It's a measure of our health and vitality, for all to know. In sum, it
is*us* at the most personal level.

Now, our Hoomin has tried many methods and many media to arrive at a
litterpan compromise that works for her poor, defective Hoomin snout
(No WHISKERS! DRY NOSE! *Shudder.*) and for us, as well. Over the years
she has tried chloryphill cat litter, (she was new to ferrets then, and
can be excused for this APPALING faux pas!) newspaper, pine pellets
(Heavy for her, you Hoomins are such fragile creatures pound for pound.
We can all drag rubber-handled hammers that weigh more than we do!) and
finally settled on recycled newspaper pellets. Along the way there were
grotesque experiments with a variety of air fresheners, all of which
served only to exacerbate her asthma, empty her wallet, and piss us
off more than you can possibly know! How would YOU like to smell like
"Floral Country Medley?" We are *weasels!* Cousin to the Wolverine!
"Floral Country Medley" is a stain upon our honor that you Hoomins
cannot possibly comprehend. (*Long, sincere sigh of dismay...*)

We are glad to say that our Hoomin's understanding of the pan has
evolved, and she has thrown away the recycled newspaper pellets for
a unique litter medium, one compounded partially from rag pulp, and
partially from colored silk threads. It is available only from Crane
and Company, the sole supplier of banknote paper to the U.S. Treasury
since 1879. Yes, we now crap happily in a pan full of crumpled dollar
bills. Now, we prefer the 5's to the usual litter of 1's that our
Hoomins provides. The 10's are sublime, but she rarely provides them.
We can assert, as Professional Weasels, that US currency is the *only*
odorless litter available. Throw away your pellets, your Daily News.
Euros will not do, they are not absorbent. Ditto Canadian bills, too
much integral plastic. Heave out the Air Wicks, Febreeze, and Nature's
Miracle. IF you want an odorless Weasel litterpan, you will have it
only on our terms. We prefer that you *launder* the bills in your
washer and dryer before you crumple them and fill the pan. You never
know where money has been. Think Pole-Dancer's thongs. Your Mother was
precisely right when she told you to never put money in your mouth.

Now, if you wish to actually reduce the olfactory punch of our
"product" before we introduce it to the pan, we recommend Beluga Caviar
and lightly chopped, rare Fillet Mignon. Preferably from those select
herds of cattle in Japan that are massaged daily and fed beer. Apart
from that, Hoomins, well, you get what you pay for. You could always
go to Wal-Mart and buy cheap clothes-pins to pinch your nostrils shut.
From what we have come to understand about the Hoomin sense of smell,
it probably wouldn't make any demonstrable difference.

Sincerely,
Todd and Caff-Pow
In Massachusetts

PS- No fabric softener on the bills. Thank you.

[Posted in FML 6679]