Dear Ferret Folks-

I worry about the lads diet. I do feed a high quality kibble, and they
steal things here and there to eat that I don't necessarily wish them
to have. Todd hauls bread beneath the yellow sofa whenever possible,
and has to be kept out of the butter. Hebert is fond of both cat and
dog food, and steals them daily. I give the lads chicken sticks chew
treats, and supplement with both sticky vitamin paste and ferretone.

But what about taurine? There has been a lot of talk about taurine over
the last few days. I see that there is a little bit in the sticky
vitamin paste, but not much. The lads are young, still growing. I want
them to get everything they need to become healthy adults. I read that
a lack of taurine in the diet can affect a ferret badly. A cat without
enough taurine in the diet can even go blind!

Well, I found a source. Red Bull. Red Bull is a lightly carbonated
energy drink with lots of *taurine*! Yes, taurine. The term "taurine"
is related to the ancient name for the bull, "taurus." Taurine was
first discovered in the meat of cows. The name "Red Bull" hints at the
relationship. Red Bull contains taurine as an additive. And much to my
relief, (at first) the lads really enjoyed the stuff.

I poured them a big saucer of light-green Red Bull and they got right
down to business, licking it up as if it were ferretone. Every now and
then one of them would snarf up a bubble of carbonation and sneeze, but
then they went back to licking. I filled up that saucer four or five
times, until together, they had lapped up a full can. At first they
just sort of laid on their sides, uncomfortable with having bellies
that full and plumped. Hebert belched so loudly that the cat looked
up from his nap and glared to be awakened so rudely. But after a few
minutes, that all changed....

I first realized that something was wrong when I noticed that both lads
had their tails frizzed out to maximum voulme. Those tails were as fat
around as bratwursts! Then, the lads stood up slowly, feeling I think a
little bit like hot water bottles on legs. They *had* lapped up a full
can, after all! The next thing I knew, there was a blur of movement and
the kitchen window exploded outward, the shattered glass tinkling onto
the snow on the ground outside. It made a godawful mess, I had a lot of
plants in front of that window, and several of them were in vining
form, and got sucked halfway outside through the hole in the glass.
There was dirt *everywhere*!

I looked and I couldn't understand what had happened to break the
glass. That is when I saw a blur of dark movement in the snow outside,
moving at a ridiculous speed right *toward* me! I ducked, and Todd flew
*in* from outside, sailed the width of my house, and smacked into the
far wall. He got up, bounced lightly on the balls of his paws and made
a standing leap that once again brought him outside through the hole in
the kitchen window, which was of considerable size.

I felt a brush of air past my face that I didn't understand, but my
attention quickly returned to the scene outside. We have about three
feet of snow on the ground right now, the lovely sparkly kind that
came down like glitter in a sno-globe. Well, that snow was seemingly
*exploding* up into the air in zig-zag straight lines, as if there was
a tiny snow mobile that I couldn't see tearing back and forth across
the back yard, leaving rooster tails of snow ten feet high in its wake!
I kept watching and I realized that I could see Todd leaping and
streaking at the head of of the rooster tail. He was spending more
time in the air than on the ground!

Then I realized that there were *two* divinging sets of tracks
streaking across the yard. It occured to me that one must be a
super-charged Todd, and the other a turbo Hebert. (That puff of wind
past my face in the kitchen must have been Hebert joining Todd
outside!) I couldn't see the albino Hebert in the snow at all, just the
path of destruction he left in his wake. The explosive dislocations of
the snowpack traced their paths over and around the tractor, around my
husband's tarp-draped woodpiles, around and around the chicken coop and
oh, the cacophany of protest and terror that came from seven chickens,
scared witless!

Then, as I watched in horror, the two lines of destruction became
paralell to one another, and headed right for the house like the paths
of attacking great white sharks, only with no fins running above the
ocean of snow in the yard! I lost my nerve then, and hit the kitchen
floor. I heard first "whick!" then right on the heels of the first one
another "whick!" as first one, then the second ferret blew back into
the house through the broken window. The next thing I knew, the green
sofa tipped over backwards with the sleeping Allis Chompers lying
asleep on the cushions. She gave a squeal of horror as she found
herself airborne, then she hit the living room carpet with a thud
that knocked the wind right out of her!

Todd slowed down long enough to pick up one of the lost squeaky toys
that the lads had dragged under the sofa, then he flew back and forth
from wall to wall, rapelling off of the wall each time and giving a
high-pitched rubber "squeak!" with each impact. Hebert, badly wanting
the squeaky gave chase, and the two blasted the length and breadth of
the house like two super-balls on steroids. Bang! Zip! Zoom! Whap!
Squeak!

Lamps were knocked over and light bulbs smashed. Stacks of books left
carelessly on tables were knocked over. The *tables* themselves were
knocked over, chairs flew like bowling pins. I crawled as quickly as I
could (doing substantial damage to my knees across the hardwood floors
in the process) and dove into the bathroom. I climbed into the tub and
curled up into a ball. I figured "Hey, people live through tornados by
riding them out in the bathtub!" It surely sounded as if there were a
tornado *in* my house!

The banging and smashing lasted about fifteen minutes...fifteen very
loooong minutes. Then, all was still. I left the bathroom cautiously,
and surveyed the damage. I will never forget the sight of the
grandfather clock, left stranded half in, half out of the living room
window like a badly beached whale. The carpet wadded up like a rag,
and lying in a pile against the fireplace. The dog and cat, huddling
beneath the dining room table that had slid a good ten feet to come
torest against the nearest wall, but that had miraculously been left
standing upright.

I heard a scratching sound coming from the kitchen. It was the lads,
standing up on their back feet trying to scratch their way into the
refrigeratior where there were THREE MORE CANS OF RED BULL! I remember
then that everything seemed to switch into slow motion as I threw
myself at the broom, still upright in its spot behind the clothes
washer. I grabbed the broom in both hands and wielded it like a Samurai
sword, batting at the lads, forcing them away from the refrigeratior.
At first they thought this was a game, and they danced and dooked.
Then, they realized that I was deadly serious. There was NO WAY I was
going to let them near that stuff again! I chased them all the way into
the computer room, and used the broom to force them into their cage. I
closed the door, and leaned one of the battered chairs up against it to
keep the little buggers *in*.

The damage done to my home is...horrendous. I am trying to think up a
good story to tell to the people who carry my homeowners insurance.
Maybe I'll say that someone maliciously advertised a party at my house
on Myspace, and two hundred teenagers showed up and trashed the place.
Wish me luck. And whatever you do, NO RED BULL FOR FERRETS!

Alexandra in MA
(This is dedicated to the right Rev. Gordon B!) 

[Posted in FML 6236]