I've experienced a huge epiphany in my life today. And I'd like to
share it with you all. Through some recent losses in my life and a
ferret friend's recent loss, I realized that our ferrets have given
us a great, great gift. It's something that sets us far apart from
other people in the world. Ironically it's something we often curse.
Our babies leaving us far too early. Well there is a silver lining
to that cloud.

Two years ago, I suddenly lost a childhood friend and brother in law.
He was very, very young. He and my sister in law were very much in
love. I live across the country from both of our families, but my
husband and I talk to them every day. We went through grieving with
them long distance. However, it got to be very difficult because it
seemed like everyone in my husband's family started to try to dictate
to my sister in law how she should be handling things after a period of
time passed by. "Vickie, it's been months now ...", "Vickie, don't you
think keeping Bill's ashes on your nightstand is ... well morbid? Its
just not healthy." It was so constant, that my husband who listened to
it each and every day even started to reflect their attitude a bit.
"But Love, she still has him on her answering machine when you call the
house.." I had to snap him back into a better frame of mind. "Scott,
where should she keep his ashes? If she had them in the living room,
then people would be bitching how morose and uncomfortable "that" is.
Hell, we have have two of our ferrets in our bedroom. FERRETS. Think
about that a minute".

Then I lost my mother. It's now been four months. Already I received
a call from a sibling. "Do you know that nice memorial movie you made
about Mother? Well, I wanted to tell you that if Daddy wants any more
things like that done ... you need to find ways out of it. He's living
in the past and he's not doing well". The control issue was not
happening in my own family. Scott said to me, "Your dad is 84 years
old and not healthy ... he could go even next month for all we know.
So what if he wants to live surrounded by your moms memory. He loved
her. It makes him happy and comforts him. It's what I would do". I
don't know which person is right because I"m not there to see my
Daddy's condition. So I'll trust the situation to my brothers and
sisters. But I do know one thing. Four months is nothing when you've
spent 66 years with someone. And there is nothing wrong with grieving.

I just want to strangle both of my families right now. Everyone goes
through grieving differently. Why does everyone feel the need to judge
it, and to even control it Is it because they feel so much for that
person, or is more a selfish act in that they don't want to deal with
it themselves? Maybe both.

Recently a ferret friend lost an old, old friend. Her favorite ferret.
She is devastated. I've been reading her letters that speak of great
memories... and bad memories. It occurred to me that any thoughts of
what is "normal" or "right" about her grieving would even cross my
mind, let alone having the nerve to voice it to her. Never. All I can
think of is how she must feel. How I have felt in her situation. I
find myself pulled into the memories of this little one and I smile.
I visualize this friend watching her baby deteriorate and ultimately
dying in her arms. I'm a great visualizer. Is picturing every rumbled
hair on this ferret, the glazed over eyes before she passes, and my
friends voice as she prays sick? Is supporting her and being excited
for anything she does to memorialize this ferret a bad thing for her?
When Sean's Rocky passed I took it very hard, of course. Do you know
what helped me the most? When a ferret person said, "Don't be afraid.
You don't have to be sad and say good bye forever. Don't you realize
that Sean and Rocky's last chapter will never be written if you don't
want it to be?" Well, I sat up, wiped my tears, even smiled. Yes, I
thought. I can do what I want and all of my ferret friends and family
will be supportive, happy and experience it right alone side of me.
What an incredible relief. And how "natural" that felt.

I never lost a "person" before other than a grandparent when I was
very little. Yet, I've taken all of the recent deaths in my life
spectacularly. Even my own mother's. Sean, who is crippled socially
and emotionally ... to Rocky's death incredibly well. Now why is that?
I think I know now.

How sick other people must think we are. Letting our pets view
another's body after they pass to say goodbye. Creating webpages and
scrapbooks full of their memories. Keeping their ashes and graves
close by. Talking about them and their deaths as well years later and
shedding a few tears. I think I must be very sick. Yes, very, very
sick.

Wolfy
Who's "rockstars" are the ferrets in our lives ....

[Posted in FML 6354]