Dear Ferret Folks-

It is with a heavy heart that I write this.

I do not breed ferrets myself, and have over the years paid very little
attention to the areas of Breeding/Shows. Ferret breeding is no simple
thing (unless you happen to be a weasel) and I have the utmost respect
for those breeders who are trying to bring our small friends into the
world with the very best potential for the pursuit of whisker-snouted
happiness and good, firm poops.

Then, there is the occasional rogue whose practices must face a serious
and sobering degree of scrutiny. It has come to my attention in the
most annoying way possible that there is a breeder out there who has
all-too casually bred the squeakie gene out of her stock. Oh, there is
a complicated scientific name for it that I am sure Sukie could drudge
up if you are curious, but "the squeakie gene" is the colloquial term.

Now, the squeakie gene was carefully bred into the domestic ferret
generations ago as a fail-safe that renders the ferret *catchable*. 
All you have to do is give a few squeaks to the rubber dog toy of your
choice and the ferret comes out from under the sofa, right? A few more
and he comes far enough out that you can actually grab him? That is the
action of the squeakie gene.

Every ferret that I have EVER met that could HEAR expressed the
squeakie gene properly. Except for one. Can you imagine how annoying
the following scenario is? It gets played out in my home on a daily
basis.

<<Squeak-Squeak-squeak!>>
Todd: Hey! It's the squeakie! Let's run and see if we can bite it!
Caff-Pow: Don't do that, she'll catch you and put you in the cage!
Todd: No, Buddy, it's the *squeakie*!
Caff-Pow: She'll get you for sure, it's a trick!
Todd: The squeakiethesqueakiethesqueakiethe---cra*! I think she's gonna--
Caff-Pow: Put you in the cage? Yup. But she's not gettin' me! No sir,
Danee DeVore don't breed no stoopit ferrets!

Nope. Danee DeVore don't breed no stoopit ferrets and that's the
*problem*. Without that squeakie gene (what was she thinking? Was it by
design? A hideous genetic mutation? Some sort of freakish experiment?)
a ferret can evade hoomin capture for just about as long as he or she
wants. And ferrets can want to evade hoomin capture for a very...
long... time... Think little patches of icy melt-water yielding to
stubby grasses, followed by browsing mammoths. Our ancestors eat all
the mammoths, then evolve to invent cheeze-whiz. Just a blink of the
eye in geologic terms, yes, but seemingly forever when you are down
on your hands and knees in front of the sofa, inhaling dust bunnies
and getting really, *deeply* annoyed.

I beg you, for the good of the species as a whole (And your sanity,
such as it may be...) *do not* breed DeVore ferrets. They are
*defective*. I wonder if the squeakie gene could be restored to them
with some sort of recombinant genetic therapy, maybe stem cells. I know
that either option would require *buckets* of cash, and until then you
pretty much have to duct-tape a DeVore ferret to a cinderblock when you
let it out to play if you ever want to cage it again. I realize that
the iron ball-and-chain is the more traditional option, but Caff-Pow
(Danee DeVore don't breed no stoopit ferrets) always convinces Todd
to bring the key, no matter where I stash it. Plus the drag marks are
really bad for my hardwood floor.

Until there is a ray of hope for these poor damaged little creatures,
we must exercise the *most* rigorous caution, and stop the spread of
the problem here and now. It is our responsibility as ferret lovers
to see that no more of these "Squeakie Silent" ferrets come into the
world. Please, Danee, stop. Now. Sure, your ferrets are beautiful and
vigorous and every thing a dance-warrior should be, but they are able
to resist the siren song of the squeakie, and this makes them maddening
little wretches who make me grind my teeth until they...squeak.

Please. Stop. Put that gene *back*.

Alexandra in MA

[Posted in FML 6412]