Dearest Alexandra:

I've got a WOLVERINE??? Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! That explains why
his favorite movie is "Red Dawn" (if you don't get it, rent the movie
and watch closely). He also likes the Star Wars series, which explains
why he then goes up to the Weasel Waiting Room (where they sleep until
they get out to play again) and chops everything up into teeny weeny
little unrecognizable chunks. Makes sense, actually.

You mentioned:
>[get him] a *lady* wolverine.

Nope. No can do. He specifically told me when he moved in and took over
the place, "I've had it up to *here* with lady wolverines! Pow! Right
to the moon, Allis!" No idea who Allis is, but then, it doesn't really
matter, right? Apparently, he's had domestic problems in the past, but
I try not to pry. It makes him *so* angry.

You mentioned:
>An adult wolverine should be more like forty pounds, not sixty. But
>try to tell IT that.

Yeah, well, he likes my cooking. What can I say. When I make spaghetti,
I have to quickly make a plate for myself *before* yelling upstairs
that dinner is ready. He then scrambles down the steps, grabs the
entire pot and takes it back upstairs. My other ferrets laugh at him
because he doesn't eat kibble like everyone else, but he doesn't seem
to mind. He also used to have a job at the Hershey chocolate factory...
until they caught him sitting at the end of one of the conveyor belts
with his mouth open, letting entire production quotas of peanut butter
cups fall into his massive jaws. He filed a complaint with the union,
showing precisely where (in the "How To Be A REAL Ferret manual) it
says that it was his job to do things like this. They still fired him.
Go figure.

Anyway, he's sixty pounds and can easily drag me about town whenever
he chooses. If I choose to take him for a walk downtown - OK, if *he
decides he wants to go for a walk downtown* - everyone clears the
streets. The police roam around in armored cars with those speaker
things on them, warning everyone to stay in their homes until the
"All Clear" is sounded. I don't know why, but ferrets seem to get
*such* a bad rap, sometimes. I mean, all he's ever done is bite a few
trees off at ground level...oh, and he knocked down those statues...
and the flag pole in the square...and he broke that huge fountain
by the bank...and made the cross-over pedestrian bridge structurally
unsound...and he chased the police horses up the street...and broke
the fascade off of the front of the bank...and likes to play "Tip the
Hummer" all the time. But other than that, I don't see why everyone is
so worried about him.

You mentioned:
>The odor inside the house will become a destructive force in and of
>itself.

Nope. I got one of them high-falutin' air purifiers! No smells here!
Besides, he uses a litter barrel...er...box...like all the rest of my
furry ones. He also uses the shower every day, uses Degree anti-furient
and eats really good food. He also does his own laundry every few days,
so that cuts down a lot on smell build-up. Nope. Don't got any stinky
weasels in *this* house! Now, the House of Representatives, on the
other hand...

Finally...
You mentioned:
>The problem you are having with your ferret is easy to explain.
>That *isn't* a ferret.

Yeah, well, *you* tell him that. Around here, only me and the cat know
we aren't ferrets. I even saw a cricket outside the back door, trying
to dook like a ferret! My cat wasn't amused. Gave him a failing grade.
Then ate him for lunch. I'm thinking of changing my cat's name to
Simon.

---
Todd and the Fuzzbutt Rodeo Clowns
http://leuthold.lancaster.pa.us/Page2/

[Posted in FML 5604]