Dear Ferret Folks-

I am gently amused to note that I have had a bunch of advice regarding
personality conflicts come into my *inbox*, but it hasn't showed up on
the FML. So I'm putting it here, where I hope it can be of some good
for anyone who gets in over their head like Debi was the other day.
This is advice that is good for *any* personality conflict on the net.
I don't mean to be getting into the nuts and bolts of what has gone
wrong between Debi and the person she isn't getting along with. I'm not
going there. Period. Debi's "enemy?" This is not about *you*. This is
about restoring courtesy on the net when two people can't leave each
other alone. Period. This is not about who is right and who is wrong.
Period. I am NOT taking sides.

Here is what I have done *myself* to deal with a problem that I have
had with one other person. I have re-configured my e-mail inbox so that
it no longer accepts messages from that person. Out of sight, out of
mind. It's easier on both of us. If you don't know how, ask for help
on the FML from a computer savvy person. You don't have to get into
details or justify yourself, just make the decision and ask for help.
Stopping personal back and forths may be *especially* important if you
realize that some people have the habit of saving any text or messages
that you send out regarding your feud, and essentially making a file
of them. You may see six months down the road something you posted in
a personal e-mail posted publicly on a board, something that you never
intended to share with the world at large. You'll get mad, post again,
and the whooole thing flares up all over.

One message I got yesterday stressed how hard it is to *drop* a
disagreement when one person consistently, absolutely HAS to have the
last word. Yes, that is really annoying. But you know what? Nobody is
going to remember in a hundred years who had the last word. *Let it
go*. Don't play that tit-for-tat game. That makes you part of the
problem, not part of the solution. If someone has to have the last
word, give it to 'em, and be grateful that by walking away, it will be
the *last word*. It's not about who is right. It's about deciding "I
am going to be the grown up in this situation." No one can make this
decision for you. It's on you.

If your "feud" is public, posted on a message board, unsurprisingly
some of your friends will want to come to your defense. They will be
typing under the influence of high emotion, and may well actually make
things *worse* without meaning to. Now your "enemy" will feel viciously
attacked by a pack, and will want to respond in kind. Wouldn't you?
Thus, there will be another round of ugly posting. This kind of feuding
is just like a fire. It can't burn if you starve it of fuel. Remove the
fuel. Make one (ONE!) post to your board that reads something like
this:

"It has become clear that I have a persistent personality conflict
with one person on this board. Rather than drag it out, I have decided
not to respond to any more posts from (insert name here) on this group
site. I ask that everyone else who has something to say about this
issue will respond via personal inbox, and not to the group as a whole.
I appreciate your well-intentioned support, but I would prefer to spare
this group any more of this conflict."

Make it just this business-like. Don't go into the issues, your
feelings being hurt, anything ugly or unfair that your "enemy" has said
or done, write it just like this. Don't get all self-righteous. Don't
tell us that you can't sleep, you can't eat, you feel your honor as a
person and as a ferret-mommy has been sullied. Don't tell us how you
have suffered. Don't tell us how big you are being by taking this
action.

Just.
Don't.
Go.
There.

Then, *SHUT UP* about it in public in your group. Do just what you
said, don't address the issue any more. Period. And if your supporters
write in to your personal inbox say "thank you" to them for their
support, unload on them if you are upset and need a friendly ear,
but *DON'T* respond to anything that your "enemy" may post in public.
Period. It makes you look like a reasonable adult. It makes your enemy
look like....well....

Remember, this may feel deadly earnest to you (I've been there!), but
after a while it takes on the characteristics of a game, doesn't it?
Decide that the game is over. *OVER*. Stop playing. Ask your friends
to stop playing. And that will leave ooooone person, hopping mad,
spitting out hatred, and looking like...(fill in the words from your
imagination, here!) And maybe that's the best revenge, isn't it?
Knowing that XYZ still wants to play, and you won't give 'em the
satisfaction! Not today, not ever. This is not about winning your
feud, but ending it.

Alexandra in MA

P.S. Wolfy steals silverware.

[Posted in FML 5847]