Dear Ferret Folks-

Yesterday, Ryan sent the following post about his kit, which I think is
worthy of address, oh yes. By all means. Here is what he wrote:

>I have a couple questions about behavior.

Only a couple? (Bwa-ha-ha-ha!) Just wait, Ryan. The wonders that lie in
store for you.... Suggestion: Duct tape your car keys to a cinderblock
at night before going to bed. Trust me. A heavy duty nylon packing
strap is also good if you get tired of un-sticking the duct tape every
time you want to go run an errand. Two inch wide strap with a heavy
ratcheting buckle.

>#1 I am with-ferret 4 weeks now. I have struggled with litter
training.

Litter training is like personal growth. We learn through suffering.
Litter training is actually one of the lesser known aspects of
Bhuddism, which suggests that A) While suffering is inevitable, B) we
can strive for freedom from suffering by freeing ourselves from the
curse of *wanting*. Free yourself from the suffering inherent in litter 
training by freeing yourself from the un-obtainable goal, sucess in
litter training. Cease to want success in litter training, free
yourself from the great Karmic wheel, Ryan. Here is a personal mantra
for you to meditate upon when overwhelmed by the reality of litter
training: Om my God! Again?!

>I am in the room with the ferret between 6 and 12 hours a day and
>when I am in the room I use the litter-training techniques cited on
>numerous ferret-care sites (namely, NO!-relocate-reward). One site
>says that a couple days is all it takes, but that doesn't seem to be
>the case, here. Some owners report that kits are harder to train
>(impossible?),

Impossible? Their word, not mine, but not an unreasonable word. No, not
entirely.

>how long does it take before the kit responds?

The kit *has* responded. Again and again and again. By *hitting where
she danged-well pleases.

>Generally the ferret is responsive if I am in the room and looses the
>instruction over night or if I am away.

Yes, this is the "re-boot" function installed in your kit at the kit 
factory. She will also re-boot if you lose power.

>I think the "relocate" step is also some fun for the ferret

Oh yeah, ferrets have a particularly sick sense of humor. Like the keys
strapped to the cinderblock when you are not using them, trust me on
this. Fun. As they say in the Army, "You will see this material again."

>and I don't know how to make it more unpleasant. I am using pounce
>treats as a reward, should I use something else?

I am told that you *can* bribe ferrets with solid gold Kugerand coins
from South Africa. I have never personally met anyone who could afford
this, however. As a result, ferrets remain remarkably unconstrained and
unconstrainable. I understand someone has just discovered a Spanish
treasure galleon on the bottom of the Atlantic, filled with sixteenth
century gold dubloons. My first thought: Someone's ferret is going to
be extra good! At least until the dubloons run out.

>Here is what I have tried:
>- dumping bedding in the corners where she is going.
>- putting food where she is going
>- changing the litter
>- not changing the litter
>- mixing the litter
>- changing litter type
>- removing all hiding spots and extra cage acc.
>- putting two food areas in the cage
>- not saying NO
>- cleaning the mess and not cleaning the mess
>Everything else is standard to optimal-- the box is a cut-down
>marshall-style box and access, and size is not an issue.

You know that joke "What do you call one dead lawyer in the bottom of
the swimming pool? A start. Ten dead lawyers? Progress". These are all
good strategies, but they only represent a start. You are miles away
from actual progress toward your goal. The singer Brian Wilson at one
time had several feet of sand dumped on the floor of his living room
so that he could always have the beach without leaving the house. (Mr
Wilson, of Beach Boys fame, has better meds, now.) Perhaps you could
pile several feet of litter on the floors of your home.

>#2 The ferret does not like ferretone. Is this age, experience or just
>plain dislike? Are kits supposed to like it?

Experience? Try some. Tell me what you think.

>#3 When I initiate play with the ferret she hops around a bit (wild and
>excited) and then goes and hides. Is this an indication that she is
>afraid of the toy or game, is it some level of boredom or is this some
>stage of the game that I don't understand? Commonly, with one toy she
>will run back to her cage completely.

This is probably a function of the kit attention span, which is 
scientifically described with the prefix "nano", which indicates a unit 
equivalent to one billionth. (1/1,000,000,000)

>#4 How do you ferret-bond and what is that like?

You are currently in the process of ferret bonding, whether you realize
it or not. Your ferret is trying to teach you, through trial and error,
how to be her personal slave. She is slowly but surely trying to focus
your whole life's effort on pleasing her in every single way. And it's
*working*!

>What is optimal for a ferret, do they like to be stroked, played-with,
>or just sleeping on you? That seems to be missing from the FAQs.

See what I mean? *Her* pleasure is already, slowly but surely, coming
to represent a larger and larger importance in your life. I will send
you some play and enrichment suggestions privately, hopefully others
will send you some, too.

Sincerely,
Alexandra in MA

>thanks,
>ryan

[Posted in FML 5779]