[2 part post combined.  BIG]

Hi to all.

I hope everyone is doing well and that so are their fuzzies.

My heart goes to all of you who have lost your buds lately. I am
now knowing again, what it is to be walking in those shoes here,
it appears - sooner rather than later than I thought. Ricky had a
melatonin implant done in March. First couple weeks were dicey. Didn't
see too much. Then WHOOPIE........his hair became soft and beautiful!
He has been gaining weight pretty steady. In fact, he has been looking
like he has been gaining - too much - too fast, and his belly was
becoming large. I noticed more lethargy lately - and kinda passed it
off to the melatonin. I noticed alot of sleeping - but hey, he is 6 -
so that is about right for added naps, right?

Then I began to notice he wasn't playing. At all. He'd get up - get
his treats - and then it was Flat Out Ferret. I then thought -
hmmm....maybe it is the extra weight he is gaining so quickly Then I
noticed, for the first time - Artemus (one of the original Rat Pack -
Helena, Ricky and Artie) - trying to "herd" Ricky to the days games of
play. And for the first time I saw it was a "no-go" - no matter what
Artie tried to do. Definitely NOT normal, and we all know that. I
called my vet - who said, bring him right in - I'll sneak a peek - no
charge. So off we went, for what I thought would be a scolding for
allowing him to get so fat, so quick. A sneak peek - turned into an
x-ray - cause his tummy was so big. A quick X-ray turned into a mass -
that has pushed his intestines all to one side. Doesn't appear to be
attached to the spleen. Doesn't appear to be attached to the stomach -
so blockage doesn't seem to be the answer either. The answer wasn't
something ANY of us - ever wants to hear. With as rapidly as Ricky's
stomach has grown - and his lethargy - nonstop eating/drinking is
another thing we are going thru. The vet thinks it is because the
"tumor" is robbing him of his calories.

So here I sit. Thinking. Sh*t. I lost Helena - because I didn't have
the experience of knowing what to look for when she got sick. But I
knew what to look for with Ricky. And now - I still can't do much for
him. Dr. Levinson (who, may The Lord forgive me, is like a God to me) -
said exploratory surgery is what we need. That, and say about, oh 800
bucks.

He stated that he could open him up - and the tumor is real close to
the skin anyways - but it because of how fast Ricky's stomach/weight
gain has happened, he is reluctant to say it is not a "fast moving"
cancer. If he opens him up - and sees it is hugely involved - he says
he'll call me to make a decision. What - he thinks I won't be sitting
in the operating room with him? Who does he think I am? He won't
charge for the surgery if it is hopeless. Gee, thanks. That makes me
feel better. IF, however, IF - it is something simple and he can
remove it - without complications - well, then Rickie could be fine
again. Maybe. But he didn't give me too much hope. I think he knows
me pretty well by now. Better to hit me hard, and let me rebound in
joy - then to find out that what I thought would be easy - becomes
death.

Sh*t. Sh*t. Scuse my language. Why do we do this again? Ricky and
Lena - my first two kids. He's never really been the same since she
died either. Always my solomn little man. Our problem I am unemployed.
Remember I contract for a living. Our "saved" funds went into another
emergency - so here we sit. My next job doesn't start til August. He
can't wait that long. We are trying a "skate-by" with an insurance
plan. I enrolled all the kids today - the ferts, cats AND dog. BUT
there is that little "pre-existing condition" clause. Plus - they only
reimburse AFTER we have paid. (With what, my blood?). Doc says if they
ask, he will only say during visit - he saw something suspicious. BUT
if the insurance company requests records he has to send em, which he
says rarely happens. So - what the hell do I do? Any advice? Shoot
myself now Cause that's what I want to do.

I told my husband (who incidentally found it important to tell me we
DON'T have the money for this) - that I would hock my soul to pay for
this, along with all my jewelry. He got a little miffed when I said,
YES my wedding rings too. It's like he doesn't get it. Aren't they the
ones who are our children too? And when we take them on, are we not
responsible for their health care, just like any child If it was one
of my sons - would I say: Put em to sleep, I can't afford it. No, I
wouldn't and neither would any of you. We'd all hock our souls - to
do what we could. So - I know I have to do this surgery. I just pray
that I can somehow come up with the money to pay for it. Same story
different day, eh I? have offered to do volunteer work for my vet. He
is so cool you guys, he really is. He is willing to post date checks,
etc - but reality is - I gotta have it - to pay for it. So - do I rip
off the insurance company? What a sh*t am I? I guess the kind of sh*t
that would do what I gotta do - to make sure Ricky has a fair shake.

My husband says: We can't afford this. I told him - Ricky goes - Kim
goes. How you like me now? I don't think he thinks I mean it.......I
shoulda listened when people said: Don't get ferrets! They will break
your heart, with all their illnesses. That would be the "rebellion"
in Kim that didn't want to hear it. 

Sorry for long windedness. Wow. They really rip our hearts out, don't
they Why What is it about them that makes us crazy for them Needless
to say - any ideas of a "ferret gettogether" just went out the door
here in ABQ. Sorry guys. Here I sit, feeling sorry for myself, when
there is worse goin on with some of you. I apologize for my selfishness.
Please forgive me.

Kim and her army of idiots

Lord, help me to be grateful for what I have, and not greedy for what I
want.....

[Posted in FML 5663]