I am working crazy hours lately.  At least, they would be crazy to
most people.  The last few months I have transferred to working on
the graveyard shift at my job.  And no, I don't work in a graveyard.
 
The hours I work are not so odd - it's the hours I sleep.  You name a
five to six hour period, and you would have caught me sleeping during
that time sometime over the last few months.  To save myself some
confusion, I just wish everybody a good morning no matter what time of
the day it is.  People have learned to accept it.  They should, damnit.
If I've just eaten eggs and toast and drank my tea, as far as I'm
concerned, it's morning.
 
Now that I've demonstrated the level of my lucidity, it won't be so hard
to accept this last bit of news that I read a bit ago.  You can blame
it's insanity on me.  As far as you know, I'm making this up.  I'm not,
but go ahead, keep nodding and humor me.
 
I get up in the "morning" (I don't remember when morning was that day,
maybe 4pm or so) and I browse through my RSS feeds.  I come across this
story from the New York Post.  "PET-PEEVED MA SUES OVER 'FERRET ATTACK."
I am intrigued, so I read further...
 
Apparently, two little girls were walking their pet ferrets on Zerega
Avenue in the Bronx.  Well, there's your first problem.  Ferrets are
illegal in New York City.  These were apparently gangster ferrets of
some kind, maybe even "cleaners."  I don't know.  I have to make
*something* up for this to appear lucid, and "cleaner ferrets" sound
somewhat plausible.  Back to the story.
 
Wanda Luciano says the two girls, named Melanie and Melody, were walking
their pet ferrets when one of the cleaner ferrets jumped out and tried
to hit her son, Jon-Luc.  Melanie, Melody, and Jon-Luc, huh?  You can
see where there'd be trouble.  Gangland names, straight across the board.
I would be willing to bet that the girls were wearing anti-mad dog
sunglasses.
 
Wanda charged that "the girls harbored the 'wild' and 'ferocious'
animals, which are 'prone to vicious, unpredictable attacks on humans,
particularly young children and infants.'"  Right in the middle of
reading this important alert, my tea kettle goes off.  I innocently walk
to the kitchen when, out of nowhere, Shelby attacks me!  She chases my
feet, nipping the tops of them unmercifully.  Shelby might as well have
said, "Dance, hombre," because that's what I was doing.
 
I do my own version of the cumbia while I make my tea, occasionally
leaving the tea area to run around the kitchen in a circle.  The viscious
attack continues for about 6 minutes - there was blood, cream, and sugar
everywhere!  There probably wouldn't have been any blood, except I
stubbed my ingrown toenail pretty good.  Between my yelling and Shelby's
dooking, I'm surprised someone didn't call the cops.  Eventually, I make
it back to my computer desk with my tea, and Shelby eventually decides
to "clean" Jasper.  Thank goodness.  Not for Jasper, but for myself.
 
I got back to my computer desk and continue the story, taking a few sips
of tea.  "Board of Health bans ferrets in 1999" blah blah blah... "City
Council votes to overturn ban" hmm... "Giuliani vetoes measure" blah
blah blah... "2002, Supreme Court upholds health law."  I think to myself
that's good, we need a healthy Supreme Court, but then I read further...
"Since ban in effect, 67 ferret bites reported."  The ferrets bit the
Supreme Court?  Were these activist ferrets?  Did the ferrets retain
their constitutional rights and refuse their rabies shots?  I don't
understand...
 
I take a few more sips of my tea.  The last thing I read in the story
is that "attempts to reach the Baez girls (Melanie and Melody; just
viscious, I tell you) and their mom, Nivia Loubriel Baez, also named as
a defendant, were unsuccessful."  I'm guessing that's probably because
they were still laughing.  You know how owners of gangland ferrets are -
life is just a joke.
 
I decide the world has been crazy enough for one day.  Or maybe it's me.
Either way, I need a nap.  I go back to my bedroom and find Shelby
sprawled out on top of my comforter.  I carefully slide her over without
waking her.  I didn't want to make her mad, after all.  I slip under the
comforter and immediately she stretches and slides up next to me.  She
lets out one big yawn, eyes half-closed, then she drifts back off to
sleep.  She looks so angelic, one would never figure her for a cleaner
ferret.  I attempt to sleep myself, because it's bedtime somewhere, but
I just can't.  No one can sleep with one eye open, I don't care what
they say.
 
Roary
Albuquerque, NM
blog - http://ferretphilosophy.blogspot.com/
[Posted in FML issue 5163]