ALL THE NEWS FIT TO SCROLL PAST!
 
Queensland- Fundamentalist Ozzy Raw Feeders Implicated In Endangered
Platypus Egg Nappings.
 
The militant wing of the Australian Ferret RALFers (RAw, Live Feeders)
was today implicated in a string of platypus egg nappings that have
baffled wildlife officials for months.  Computers seized in a raid on
their headquarters suggest that the RALFers view the endangered platypus
chicks as the ideal food source for their domesticated ferrets.  Seized
hard drives have yielded grainy night footage of RALFer commando raids in
which mama platys are cruelly shoved from their nests with long, wooden
didgeridoos and their eggs snatched from beneath them, earmarked for
ferret meals!
Wildlife officials said
(See page two)
<Photo: Smashed Platypus Nest And Abandoned Didgeridoo.>
 
AP New Jersey- Noted Ferret Authority Sukie Crandall (Not a Vet) Loses
Toes To Periodontal Disease.
 
Crandall, apparently unaware that her heavy metal shower drain had been
stashed by one of her ferrets, sustained severe lacerations to the
underside of several of the toes of her right foot while showering at her
home.  In a development that has stunned the local podiatrist and dental
communities alike, Crandall rapidly lost her courageous battle to save
the toes when the wounds were attacked by periodontal disease!  Hoof and
Mouth has been suggested as the culprit.  Crandall remains quarantined at
this
(See page two)
<Photo: Ferret Dental Expert Bob Church Demonstrates How to Brush a
Ferret's Teeth.>
 
Sterling, Massachusetts- Renowned Ferret Author Alexandra in MA Sues To
Retain Copyright of Little *Emphasis* Dots.
 
Alexandra Sargent-Colburn, beloved author of the million-selling Flying
Tractor Trilogy today filed an intellectual property lawsuit against
Marshall Farms, one of the worlds largest breeders of ferret kits.
Claiming that Marshalls has "stolen" her trademark little *emphasis*
dots and incorporated the design into its kit ear tattooing program
(See sidebar)
<Photo : An angry Attorney for Alexandra in MA Holds Up A Marshall Farms
Kit And Points Out The Offending Two-Dot Ear Tattoo.>
 
EDITORIALS
 
BIG- Is It True That This Reclusive Billionaire Venture Capitalist
Really Controls The Market Price Of Refinable Sweet, Light Tone?
<Photo : BIG Pictured Exiting His Limo In Front of CUNY.>
 
PEOPLE IN THE NEWS
 
Toram Oslo- The Riddle Wrapped Inside A Mystery Inside of an Enigma- Our
Exclusive Interview!
 
Tom Cruise and Katie Homes Love Child First Confirmed Case Ever of An
Infant Eaten By Ferrets.  Scientologists Outraged, Claim Oppression.
 
Todd Leuthold Fuzzbutt Rodeo Clown Circus Train Derails, Small Town
Terrorized By Rampaging Weasels.
 
Wolfy- The Tragedy Of Compulsive Bean Abuse Leading To Spontaneous Human
Combustion.
 
Petey TPO Does You Know What To Celebutante Paris Hilton.
[Posted in FML issue 5209]