Ferrets are often accused of pooping on the floor, when actually, that
very seldom occurs.  Please allow me to correct the misunderstanding.
 
I think that most of the problem lies in the translation of the word
"floor" which humans define simply as "surface in a room or building upon
which one stands or walks".  Humans, unfortunately, have an extremely
limited sense of smell, and almost no concept of the very strict codes
of ferret hierarchy.
 
The human word "floor" can be translated into several very different
ferret words with distinctly different meanings:
 
Dook: (Pronounced gen-er-al la-trine a-re-a, with body language quick
sniff) this is an area that has been designated as place for general
latrine purposes and is used by most of the resident ferrets.  The
location of this area is usually determined as a matter of preference and
convenience of one of the average residents.  The size of the general
latrine area is one ferret body length in all directions from the
outermost spot used.
 
Dook: (Pronounced pro-pri-e-tar-y la-trine a-re-a, with body language
comprehensive sniff) this is an area that has been designated as place
for latrine use by a dominant or alpha ferret(s).  Only ranking ferrets
are permitted to use this area.  The area around the proprietary latrine
area is often designated as a general latrine area.
 
Dook: (Pronounced ter-ri-tor-i-al boun-da-ry, with body language thorough
inspection) this is the farthest edge of the regions claimed as the
property of the resident ferrets.  It is necessary for suitable corners
to be marked so that other animals do not recklessly attempt to occupy
any area claimed by the resident ferrets.
 
Dook: (Pronounced blocked ac-cess, with body language backing up and
viewing with disgust after attempt to circumvent) this occurs when an
obstruction is placed in our claimed property which prevents us from
properly patrolling a portion of our territory.  Since it is, more or
less, a temporary territorial boundary, it is necessary that markers
be placed here, as well.
 
As you can now readily see, these words have little or nothing to do
with "floor" as in "surface in a room or building upon which one stands
or walks".
 
Occasionally, due to the fact that the toilet paper dispenser is out of
reach, the area surrounding the latrine areas acquire latrine markers
that extend the size of the latrine area.
 
There is also the occasional occurrence of an illness that compromises a
ferret's ability to reach the appropriate established latrine area
requiring that ferret to designate a new latrine area.
 
As far the Suck-Em-Up humans refer to as "vacuum":
It has taken a great deal of effort to place qualified operatives in the
homes of Suck-Em-Up designers.  In fact, such a mission has not been
undertaken since the Microsoft Subversion Mission.  Although it seemed
to be quite difficult for humans to teach a Suck-Em-Up to capture those
irritating, sneeze causing dust mites, it was only a moderate problem
for our technicians to teach the monster to leave the odor retaining
organisms that comprise our markers.  As you can see, this mission is
one which benefits both ferret and human residents.  It is necessary to
be certain the lights are indicating the correct status, so, of course
the ferrets in your home are interested in this device.  We will be
monitoring the efficiency of these prototypes to determine if additional
development is needed.  Please endeavor to cooperate with this effort
for our mutual benefit.
 
Thank you for your attention,
Sanka, Unit Commander
Ferret Liberation Organization,
Ferrets First Foster Home
[Posted in FML issue 5077]