Sorry for not jumping on my email right away, but I'm working double time
in order to leave on time for the California trip.  Since tonight is the
last call, tomorrow night I will announce my itinerary for the trip.
 
Real (or is that surreal?) comments gleaned from my email during the last
month, a particularly good one for typos, brain farts, and accidental
innuendo.
 
Q: "I need to know about fleas and how to get them!!"
A: Hey sucker, all I know is that I flea at the sight of the mite-ty
   pests; you have to figure out how get them yourself.
 
Q: "...Can I sit on your table?"  [at the symposium]
A: Only if you dance when up there.
 
Q: "What is the charge to talk to our club?"
A: Give me 12 volts and I can be electrifying.
 
Q: "Have you considered a Hummer?"  [regarding my hurt truck]
A: I'm accepting applications.  [Ok, I didn't actually say it, but I
   thought it]
 
Q: "Should I collect squishy poops?"
A: If you want, but there are better hobbies.
 
Q: "I've burned out a dozen blenders because of yule!"
A: Hey, log your yule time complaints at Santa.com.
 
Q: "Can my ferret eat jerk?"
A: Only if the jerk doesn't mind.
 
Q: "Why won't you come to speak in Vagina?"
A: I finally get the best straight line of my life, and I'm speechless.
   [Don't you just love your spell checker?  I'm still teasing the
   person over that one, and will for a long time!]
 
Q: "Why do ferrets always walk with zigzags?"
A: It has something to do with their bones and joints.  Or maybe their
   stash of bones and joints.
Could be a joke: why do ferrets stash their bones?  To keep human stoners
from smokin' them, dude.
 
Q: "Why does my hob keep grabbing my boxer's tail?
A: What guy doesn't want to grab a little tail?
 
Q: "Are you really shy?"
A: Not when the lights are off.
 
Q: "You are too much in that beard!"
A: Shaving my butt and walking backwards didn't help.
 
Q: "Are you giving out postcards with giant ferrets at St. Louis?"
A: You can have a post card OR a giant ferret, not both.
 
Q: "I want to win a bet -- do you know what Bill's middle name is?"
A: Yes.
 
Q: "Are beer and tacos your favorite food?"
A: Only when driving cross-country and I need gas.
 
Q: "Are ferrets really weasels?"
A: No, republicans are weasels -- ferrets are domesticated polecats.
 
Q: "Do ferrets dream when they sleep?"
A: More then than while they are awake.
 
Q: "You offend me each time you use the word 'evolve' -- we didn't
    evolve!"
A: You are correct: creationists haven't evolved.
 
Q: "I noticed your sign-off changed -- you have a favorite quote?"
A: When president Bush said, "Too many Ob-Gyns aren't able to practice
   their love with women all across this country."
 
   A close second is when Bush said, "Just remember it's the birds that's
   supposed to suffer, not the hunter."
 
Q: "How can I beat my ferret to the door?"
A: Just whisk them away; their tails get stuck in eggbeaters.
 
Q: "Can we convince you to make a spitstop in Texas?"
A: Only if it is a sunflower seed spitstop, 'cause I don't chew that
   nasty tobaccy.
 
Q: "Dear Mr. Boob C"
A: I udderly refuse to make a titillating joke about this typo.
 
Q: "How did you lean so much?"
A: Its easy when you are lopsided.
 
Bob C  [log in to unmask]
 
"Safe, say you, safe?'' exclaimed the lad, impulsively.  "Ay, as safe as
is a mouse's nest in a cat's ear -- as safe as is a rabbit in a ferret's
hutch."
--Elbridge Streeter Brooks.  1891 Historic Girls: Stories of Girls Who
Have Influenced the History of Their Times.
[Posted in FML issue 4818]