The FML goes out to around 2,500 addresses and in many of those addresses
multiple people read it.
 
That means that sheer community size may cause some confusion for those
who are used to smaller, more intimate settings.
 
One thing which is important to learn is that in any large group of
people most comments made do not directly involve any of us or ours.
That isn't to say that we don't all have the opportunity to learn, grieve
and laugh together because we do and should.  What it means is that it is
really important to not read into posts instead of taking them at face
value, and it means that general posts really are meant for all because
there are sure to be more than one person who can benefit.  The problem
of people mistakenly assuming that something was meant specifically for
them, and the problem of someone placing a wrong interpretation on
something written are both avoidable mistakes which have been repeated
here by multiple people for many years till they realize the size of the
community and that each of us does have more privacy here from the sheer
size alone.
 
When I grew up my parents had a store first in Port Jefferson and then
Setauket (pronounced by those of us whose families have been there for
hundreds of years as Se with a soft "e", tau(l) with a hint of an "L" and
emphasis on this middle syllable, ket (All vowels in the word are soft
ones.) and nearby BelleTerre was a place where a number of celebrities
lived, with smatterings in nearby towns, so very early on I learned to
pretend to not recognize such people so that they could be more
comfortable in their own skins.  That served us well when we moved to
our little condo in this part of NJ because there are some celebrities
around here, too.
 
I want to tell you about one of them.  She isn't now around here and I
won't say who she is but I want people to see how she wound up hurting
from not being able to let herself disappear into a group.  The first
time I met her we were behind her in a grocery store line and her bag
was made wrong and about to give out at the bottom, so i gave a warning,
darted out a hand, and saved her chicken.  At that point she was relaxed
became a friendly acquaintance.  Not someone we knew really -- more the
"friendly nods and exchange a few words and laughs normally" type because
I was remembered as "the lady who saved my chicken".  We all know some
people like that.  Then her career took off much, much more.  One day I
ran into her in the video store with her little dog so I greeted her and
asked if I could pet her dog.  Perfectly normal everyday stuff we all do,
and something which had been normal before.  She was spiffed up a lot
more than usual, too.  We exchanged a few words but it was obvious that
she had become quite fearful about anyone who wasn't in her close circle
so I ended our exchange more rapidly than we usually had in the past for
her sake.  It was a terrible thing to see happen to a very sweet person.
It doesn't matter who she is, just that the inability to blend in and
simply disappear in a crowd so that a person can have acquaintances as
well as friends, and can step back and not be fearful of having to be
the center of attention marks a terrible social loss for her, a painful
and fearful one.  Any of us are used to having strangers, let alone
acquaintances, say hello to our animals and we don't worry about having
to read something into it.  We don't have to constantly perform, or
always be witty and brilliant, or beautiful, or afraid.  We just are part
of the group.
 
So it is on a list which is this large.  In a small list things are more
personal, but in a big list most things written are not going to be
things which directly deal with any of us.  It's one reason we each can
let down our hair so much here.  One list member recently got accidently
hurt by not realizing that (and I am the one who accidently hurt her with
some stuff that had nothing to do with her but which she misinterpreted
for reasons unknown to me), and similar situations certainly have
happened to others in the past.  Sometimes the result is a confusing,
angry post, but it needn't be.  Really, there is no reason to look for
hidden messages in people's posts, and there in no reason to not just let
yourself realize that most posts really don't directly affect you -- it
doesn't matter how you are.  For all of us, every day in life, most of
what goes on around us does not affect us directly.  It doesn't matter
how we were raised, or what insecurities life may have heaped on us, or
how rick or poor we are, or how famous or everyday we are, or how bright
or not, or how beautiful, or how popular, or anything at all.  And that
is a good thing -- a very good thing.  It reduces life's pressures
knowing that the only worlds of which we are ever the centers are the
worlds of those who love us or sometimes our own worlds until we have the
security of placing someone else first.  Our responsibilities in life are
first to those with whom we share love, or labor.  Then they are to those
in our communities who we can help when we have time to help them as gift
to them.
 
Most of the time what goes on in the communities is not our
responsibility; even a moderator has to step back and just let people
figure out things some times.  It's like looking at the night sky, or a
mountain, or the ocean -- when you feel small in relation to the entirety
and can relax knowing that the biggest things around you are ones you
don't have to try to control or feel responsible for.
 
So, relax.  No one is on stage here, and no one here is perfect, and no
one here is expected to be perfect, and none of us is directly involved
in most posts.  It is very much "what you see is what you get".
 
This post is a bit to the person who got confused to help her relax, but
it is also to others who might at times forget this basic fact of being
a member of a large list community.
[Posted in FML issue 4855]