Dear Ferret Folks-
Yesterday Maya wrote "Hey do you know where ferrets love to be scratched?
behind their ears?  under their mouth?  near their tails?  How can I cause
them pleasure ?"
 
How can you please a ferret. It's simple, really. Here are a few hints.
 
1) Tip over all the wastebaskets and leave them on their sides on the
floor.  It saves the ferrets valuable time when they come to inventory
the trash.
 
2) Leave the Ferretone cap on very loosely.  It doesn't matter where you
put the bottle, they will find it.
 
3) Leave all the drawers cracked open one inch, ditto the cabinet doors.
This saves the ferrets the extra effort of digging grooves into the wood
with their nails all along the face of the dressers, etc.
 
4) Take the toilet paper roll out of it's holder on the wall, and leave
the roll on the back of the toilet.  Hope you stocked up.
 
5) Why screw around with a food bowl, you know they want it dumped
anyway, so take that five pound bag of Iam's Kitten and upend it onto
the middle of the living room floor.  Just make a big brown mound!
Spread it all around!
 
6) Leave your drink right near the edge of the coffee table so it will
have farther to fall when they tip it over.  Makes a bigger splatter this
way.
 
7) Leave a ten dollar bill on the floor in every corner of your house,
and let the critters loose.  Bet they'll do the backin' up thing with
100% accuracy for the first time in their lives!  Give 'em something to
brag about.
 
8) Use this simple algebraic ferret math formula of (2x)+1.  Let X=the
number of ferrets you currently have.  Double that, and add one.  Then go
to a shelter and bring home that many more ferrets.  The more the merrier.
 
9) Get reeeeeally damn drunk until you pass out cold on the floor.  Then
they can finally lick and chew on your shins to their hearts content, and
you won't know any better or even care.  I recommend Tequila for this, it
works fast and the ferrets are absolutely fascinated by the empty bottle
with the worm inside.
 
10) Go to the Home Depot store.  Buy a pallet of twenty pound bags of
potting soil.  (Dried cow manure is better if they have it.) Now fill
your bathtub with it.  Throw in a one pound box of Sunkist raisins and a
package of Foamy Fries.  Stir this with a broom handle until well mixed.
Scratch their little ears right before you drop them in.  This will please
your ferret, but possibly not your landlord.
 
Alexandra in Massachusetts
[Posted in FML issue 3837]