I'm not here to make judgment upon anyone, and I am not here to tell
anyone what to do.  But I do feel obligated to talk a little bit about
the role of animals in troubled relationships.
 
Firstly, when I refer to a troubled relationship, I am referring to a
situation where the couple argues a great deal, and have trouble
communicating.  I'm referring to situations that could include one or
any combination of verbal, physical, sexual or mental abuse.  I'm also
referring to a situation where there is not the kind of family unity that
there should be in a healthy, shared relationship.
 
How many of us have read in the newspaper, or heard on the radio, or even
read a post here on the FML about a spouse who used the family pet as the
focus of misplaced rage, or worse... revenge.  How many of us have heard
the stories of animals placed in microwaves, thrown off of balconies,
thrown against walls, put into plastic bags to suffocate or to be thrown
into lakes or other drowned by other means?  How many of us have heard of
stories where abusive husbands threatened to kill the family pet in order
to maintain control in a volatile household?  When we simply choose to
ignore the dangers and warning signs out there we are potentially putting
an innocent life at risk.
 
It is important to realize that relationships without children, without
pets, are a challenge to begin with.  If things between two people cannot
be worked out, bringing children or animals into the equation will not
make the problems go away.  It will only end up distracting the couple
from dealing with their issues.  In the end run, everyone will end up
suffering and the sad part is that this happens all the time, and far
too often.
 
When my hubby and I first got together, we were opposing in our beliefs in
terms of what kind of family non-human companion we would like to bring
into our home.  He was a strict dog person, and me, mostly raised around
cats, with a few other animals thrown into the mix.  Our place was too
small for the kind of dog he wanted, so we agreed to get a cat.  At first,
having a cat meant adjusting to a whole new animal for my hubby.  It also
meant having to deal with behavioral things he had not had to deal with
before.  Cats were definitely different from dogs... they didn't seem to
share the same respect of countertops and food on the countertops like
his dogs did.  Sleeping literally became a family affair and cramped by
the time we got three cats and they liked to sleep on our legs.  But he
adjusted and his love for animals bloomed.  Eventually our family expanded
into many different types of animals and now we live with three cats, a
guinea pig, and as many as 21 ferrets at a time.
 
But this situation would not have turned out this way if it had not been
based on cooperation, understanding, patience, and being realistic.  James
is the first and only man I have met that shares my deep love of animals.
The men I dated before could have cared less about what an animal was
feeling or about their health.  They treated animals like they were
beneath humans and thus, the main reason why I am not with any of them.
James and I had a mutual understanding and that meant that we had to agree
on what we wanted to share our lives with, how to look after them, the
financial obligations, and so on.  If we could not agree on these things,
there would have been trouble in paradise, and we all would have suffered.
We have not taken a vacation in 15 years because of our love of animals.
Our first trip was to the first Ferret Symposium and he wanted to attend
so badly.  He attended the second one with me as well for he gets as much
out of them as I do.
 
I have to admit... I am troubled by Amanda's recent posts.  The latest one
in which she put her foot down is a red flag in my opinion.  The ferret
has become the "issue" and the focus of their situation.  The truth is
that the ferret is not issue.  There are other things here that need to
be dealt with.  My feeling is that having to make a threat is not a good
sign of a healthy relationship.  The ferret has obviously become a point
of control.  Making demands upon a spouse will not change nor fix the
other issues that are happening within the relationship.
 
My fear is that down the road, the spouse, if threatened enough, will use
the ferret as a point of bargaining.  Animals are often used as a point of
gaining control over a spouse.  What if this ferret is used as a way to
keep control over this particular situation?  What if the hubby threatens
to kill the ferret in order to keep his wife in line?  What if the hubby
actually kills and dumps the ferret somewhere and later claims to not know
how it got out, or what happened to it?
 
We have to ask ourselves if we are willing to put the lives of defenseless
creatures at risk in hopes of correcting a situation that should have been
corrected before the animal came into the picture.
 
As the caregivers for ferrets, we have an obligation to keep them out of
the arguments... and not to use them as objects of control.  The reason
for having a ferret in the first place should be to enhance the family
and not to tear it apart, or have it the main focus of anger, bitterness
or resentment.
 
Children are witness to what the parents fight about, and even one so
young as 18 months can feel tension in the air.  Children see and know
far more than we give credit for.
 
So, before the threats, before the anger, before the retaliations, fix
the problems first.  Seek counseling.  Seek the advice of those who have
gone through similar situations.  But above all, don't think you can fix
this all by yourself.  A person who is threatened into change, and told
to "love or else" is a time bomb for more serious issues to arise down
the road.  Don't let it get that far.  You have it in your power to do
something now, for the sake of your family, and the lives that are at
stake.
 
In my humble opinion...
 
Betty and Her Blur O'Fur
For the Love of Animals
[Posted in FML issue 3713]