Hi, everyone.  I am still in shock as I write this.  I helped Lucky Charm
to the other side today, mostly because I couldn't stand the thought of
watching her be uncomfortable and waiting for her to have a seizure and
suffer even more before making the final decision.
 
Lucky Charm was my special girl and this hurts so much I can hardly
write.  After her third partial pancreatectomy a few months ago, she
started having seizures within a week.  It soon became clear that regular
hand-feedings four times a day were not enough to prevent further seizure.
So I put her on prednisolone.  The seizures stopped and she had more
energy.  Before long, her breathing became more labored, though she didn't
seem to be in any pain.  That was probably a month ago or so.  A couple
of weeks ago, at the recommendation of some people on this board, I got
an X-ray for her.  Her heart was not enlarged.  The vet thought it was
possible, though not certain, that she might have some fluid around her
lungs so we put her on Clavamox (in addition to Pred and sucralfate).  Her
breathing improved somewhat but never returned to normal.  I kept looking
for improvement, but the reality was that it was as though she was panting
even while she was asleep.
 
Sometime within about the past week, she began having trouble remaining
standing long enough to complete defecation and urination.  So I lifted
her to help her out, wiped her off with a warm washcloth (she seemed to
like that), and increased her dose of pred again; as of yesterday, she was
up to .8 mils of 15mg/5ml.  It helped her walk farther, but she hated it.
For the first time in all the time I've known her (about 6 1/2 years), she
backed away from me two or three times during the day yesterday like she
was terrified to take more.  She's never liked her medicine, but she's
always complied.  This past weekend, I added some dandelion root to her
food -- it's virtually tasteless -- to help with fluid buildup because
she had gained several ounces, probably close to a pound, since she
started taking pred.  During the past few days, she seemed more tired
while eating.  Yesterday, when I fed her, she made a gurgling sound like
she was having trouble swallowing.  So I starting following the pred
immediately with sucralfate to help with stomach upset and that seemed
to help for the rest of the day.
 
Last night, I gave her some pain medication for about the third time
when it seemed like she was having difficulty breathing.  Her breathing
quieted down and became very shallow while she slept stretched out on her
abdomen -- I've seen my ferrets rest for a short time in this position
while they're awake but when they're comfortably asleep, they curl up into
little balls of fur or stretch out and stick their little feet up in the
air.  She lay very still like that for several hours.  Toward morning, she
started having sneezing fits every now and then.  My guess is that either
the pred was taxing her immune system and making breathing more difficult
or the insulinoma was just taxing her energy.  In the end, it seemed like
she was short of both oxygen and glucose.
 
This morning I heard a tiny bit of gurgling again when I fed her.  I
followed her around the house for a few hours, trying to decide what to
do.  I've had my vet on notice for the past couple of days that I might
be bringing her in.  She was walking a little farther as a result of the
higher pred dose, but I finally realized that if I was truly honest with
myself, my gut feeling was that she hadn't been feeling very good since
at least the weekend.
 
I tried to tell her during the past week that if she needed to go, it was
OK, but I don't think she knew what that meant, or if she did, she didn't
believe me.  Then it finally occurred to me that Lucky Charm and I have
always had a special understanding, through all the surgeries, including
right and left adrenalectomies, three partial pancreatectomies, one
exploratory, blood tests, X-rays, ultrasound, and medication, that I would
take care of her if she would just hang in there.  And it always worked --
she always got better.  I realized that she would just hang in there
forever waiting for me to figure out how to make her better.  I felt as
though it just wasn't fair to her to keep her hanging on knowing that I
couldn't fix her and that she would only get worse.
 
I figured that at best, if I increased her pred again, we might have one
or two more days together with perhaps some increase in energy but no real
relief from the panting or digestive discomfort.  I suppose I'll never
know if Proglycem might have helped, but I do know Lucky Charm had had
more than her fill of medications.  It began to feel like I was forcing
her do to something she just didn't want to do any more.  And pain
medication wasn't making her feel all that much better, though it did
help her sleep.
 
Of course, it was very hard to take her to the vet and go through with
it.  I found out how awful isoflurane smells and I ordered a necropsy
and cremation.  But she felt no pain in the end; I was there through all
of it.  Chocolate Moose knew something was up and cuddled with her all
morning, as though he was protecting her and comforting her; Zipper was
oblivious to the whole thing though for several days now he has been
licking her neck profusely, like he's trying to help in his own way.
He's been sniffing her rear end for the past few weeks.  I've had to pull
him away from her on several occasions when she started squealing (and
squealing is something Lucky Charm almost never did).  I took the two
boys along to the vet today so they could have a final look and know their
sister wasn't coming back; Moose already knew what was up and went back
into their carrier; Zipper started walking around the counter -- I'm not
sure if he just couldn't deal with it or if he didn't understand.  Both
he and Moose have been a little starved for attention of late.
 
Anyway, that's all for now.  I'll write a final farewell to Lucky Charm
later and describe some of my wonderful memories of her.  Right now, I'm
tired and very, very sad.
 
Linda, Chocolate Moose, & Zipper
[Posted in FML issue 3572]