I usually write anonymously, but I could use some words from the wise.  I
sit here typing this letter to you with an emptiness and the most intense
broken heart.
 
Some of you may have heard of my Pookie.  She is my first pet.  I always
wanted a fuzzy fert and she was given to me because two families decided
they no longer wanted her.  I took her in with open arms and given her all
the love I could.  She was my kid.  I took her with me everywhere, even to
work.  I made sure she had the best of everything and anything she wanted.
I wanted her to be happy and I promised her she would.
 
When I got her, I knew a few months later that she was not feeling well.
I took her to the vet to find out what was wrong.  She had adrenal
disease.  I took money that I had been saving for a house and got her
the surgery.  Pook came first in my book, so if I had to go broke, I
would for her.
 
I went to find a house.  So I looked for a house that Pook could run up
and down the hallways, etc., someplace where I knew she would be happy and
comfortable.  I pictured her doing her war dance down the hallway.  Yes,
I bought a house not for me, but someplace where Pookie would want to be.
It's hard to believe, but her happiness is all that really mattered.  Her
dance and her dook.  She is as graceful as a ferret ballet dancer with
four left feet.
 
When we moved in the house we put her in the travel cage and she must have
thought she was going to another new family.  She screamed, hollered,
kicked and cried.  It's only 2 minutes from where we lived.  When we got
to the house, I let her out on the new carpet and she knew "Mom didn't
just give me away.  I have a family that wants and loves me."  I saw her
war dance for at least 5 minutes.  The dook-dook dance.  I laughed and
dooked with her.
 
Pookie went in for her surgery and when I brought her home from the
surgery, the vet told me she would not wake up till morning.  For some
reason I woke up in the middle of the night and Pook was awake.  The vet
had told me not to handle her too much, but I had to hold her and let her
know just how much I loved that girl.  I stayed awake, talked to her and
let her sleep in my arms for an hour and put her back.  I did this a few
more times that night, but I remember that after that night, Pook and I
were on different terms.  We bonded.
 
Pookie took a turn for the worse earlier this year.  It looks as though
she got Insulinoma.  I have been giving her duck soup, medicine, etc.  But
she has gotten so thin and can barely walk any more.  I have been trying
to prepare myself for this day, but like I said, I have the most intense
broken heart right now.  I know what is right and I know I have been so
selfish because I can't seem to let go.  I spoke to some other people who
know their ferret stuff; my vet, other vets and I managed to make every
one of them cry when I tell them about my Pook.
 
We also have 3 other fuzzies.  I love them all and they all love each
other.  They watch over Pook right now.  They won't let dad take Pook out
and it seems they only want mom to take care of her.  They all surround
her and make sure she is snuggled with them.  I know they all know what is
going on and I feel bad because one of them is so worried and won't let
her out of his sight.  He waits for her and will snuggle with Pookie and I
when we lay in bed.
 
I get married this April and wanted all my fuzzies to be part of my
engagement pictures, etc.  But it doesn't look like it's going to happen.
I made sure that she was always happy and well taken care of.  I want her
to be OK, but it's hard because I now have no control of what is to
happen.  I know she is with me now because I cried and pleaded with her.
She is with me now because I can't let go.
 
If any of you have any suggestions about this decision, and how to deal
with this situation, please help.  My eyes are so swollen from crying and
I hurt so badly.  I know she could war dance and do her giggling up at the
rainbow bridge.  And that is all I can think about because she hasn't done
that in a long time.  Pook is my pride and joy.  I have always been so
proud of this girl and with all my little ones.
 
I guess my question is how do you accept the inevitable?  Do I take her to
the vet and put her down or do I just let it happen at home?  What would
you do?  How do I accept this all?  I really don't know how to say
"Good-bye."
 
Thanks for hearing me Yammer.  I hurt for Pook, but also for all those
others that are sick.  You're good people and again Thanks!  I appreciate
everybody on this list.  I learned so much, and I know this is such a
personal issue.  Please no evil email.  I'm hurting bad enough as is.
 
Pook mom, Buddie, Mickey, Minnie
 
PS.  Hold your little ones each night and tell them how much you
appreciate them and love them.  I have every single day since I got
all my little fuzzies.  Each one gets a hug, kiss and "I love you"
when I wake up, come home from work and when I go to bed.
[Posted in FML issue 3671]