[Moderator's note: Yes, a larger than usual post but it's a lighter than
usual day, so it all works out!  BIG]
 
Actually, there *are* rather inexpensive and very effective cures for
everything you are having problems with.  The trick is, you have to really
want to keep the ferret *and* be willing to put some effort into it.
 
I'd almost be willing to bet that the reason your ferret is acting the way
he is, is because he was abused, neglected, or otherwise lived a bad life,
before you got him.  Animals aren't born evil...people make them that way.
 
BITING
I've have what appeared to be "evil" ferrets when I first got them.
Chewy, for instance, got his name because he literally tore up my left
hand.  Blood all over the place, the fingers were numb, gashes all up and
down the palm and wrist.  This all happened while we were still at the
home where I was rescuing him from!
 
I still took him home with my anyway.  I stopped at a pharmacy and bought
bandages and antiseptic and fixed myself up well enough to make the drive
home.  When I got to the house, I had to carry his cage by the sides,
because it was too big to carry from the bottom.  Got my fingers torn up
for all my trouble.  Again, bandages and antiseptic.
 
However, I didn't hit him, or yell at him, or even punish him.  What I
*did* do, was put ferretone (an oil supplement for ferrets, that they also
like as a treat) all over my hands and fingers.  I then stuck my hand
inside his cage.  No one was able to do that before, without getting
their hand gnawed off.  He ran for me, but stopped cold and sniffed the
ferretone.  He then licked it...and licked it...and licked it.  He spent
more than 15 minutes getting every last molecule off my hand.  Not once
during this time, did he bite.
 
Four days after rescuing this ferret, he no longer bit me.  He also let me
put my hands in his cage, he let me hold him and he even let me take him
on short walks on a leash.  Only four days.  Ferrets can change, if you
have the time and are willing to do the work.
 
********** DISCLAIMER **********
(Results not typical.  Your mileage may vary.  Consult owner's manual for
details on how long to wait between oil changes.  Because ferrets vary,
your time-to-peace my take more or less time than mine did.  One other
note.  I have never been afraid of my ferrets.  It might be because
of this that its easier for me to get my ferrets interested in a new
behavior.  A frightened person is easy to detect by an animal.  Some
animals can use this against you.  Remember, your ferret can be kind and
can behave.  Don't be afraid of them.  They don't *want* to hurt you.)
********** DISCLAIMER **********
 
CARPET DIGGING
Almost all of my ferrets (I have 11 of them) had done the carpet digging
from time to time.  I found that putting pepper on the carpet where they
like to dig, tends to teach them not to dig there for very long.  After
a time, they give up and find something else to do.  Pepper is easy to
vacuum up later, too.
 
CABINETS
If the ferrets get into cabinets, simple hook-locks can keep them out
of your cabinets.  I know...two of my three cabinets are locked in this
manner.  Kinder locks also work well (provided none of your ferrets are
skinny!), as do simple velcro strips.
 
UNDER THE BED
For the bed, simply buy an additional box spring and remove the frame
you've been using, replacing it with the extra box spring.  The bed stays
about the same height and ferrets can't get under it--either to stash
rottweilers, or to rip out the lining.
 
CONSTANTLY ESCAPING THE CAGE
As to the cage problem, get a better cage.  You might have to save up some
money for this, but it can be worth the time.  The best type would be a
cage with a door that slides up and down.  You only need to use a small
lock to keep the door shut at the bottom.  The rails that guide the door
keep the sides secure and the lock keeps the top and bottom from being
compromised.  Also, be sure that you get one with only one door, but that
the cage can be removed from the tray for easy cleaning.
 
LITTER BOX PROBLEMS...IN THE CAGE
If he uses the entire bottom of his cage for a litter box, simply line the
tray with newspaper, then put litter on top of it (the litter helps absorb
fluids, as well as helping to dry out droppings).  When it comes time to
clean the cage (do this when he's out and about) just lift up the cage,
roll up the newspaper, replace paper and litter and put the cage back
together.
 
STEALING HARMFUL THINGS (putting things out of the way)
As far as him stealing everything, all you need to do is watch him
carefully for a few days while he is out.  Watch to see everyplace he can
get to.  Once you've identified where he can get to, as well as those
places he can't, make a list and make sure everyone knows where they can
put things and where they can't.  Buying an (inexpensive) key hanger
(basically a piece of wood with some hooks on it) can keep your keys safe.
Putting your clothing on top of furniture that he can't get up on will
keep it from being stolen.  Put wallets, purses, etc.  on top of dressers
that he can't get up on.  You can also build (for just a few dollars) a
small angled box (similar to a magazine rack) and put it on the wall (well
above his jumping reach) and put things such as wallets, purses, etc. in
there.  That not only keeps him out of these things, but it also makes
it easy (once you've gotten into the habit of using this) to find your
things.  Build a shelf in the bedroom (where he can't jump onto it from
another piece of furniture, or climb up from the floor) to put your
shoes on.
 
CREATING "NO ACCESS" ROOMS (commonly called FFZ, or Ferret-Free Zones)
It is also rather simple to keep him out of certain areas, while not
restricting your access.  You can buy sheets of plexiglas (not cheap, but
you can work out how much you need, then buy one large sheet and have the
home improvement center cut out the segments that you need), and some
"firring strips" thin strips of wood about 1" by 2".  You nail these in
the edge of doorways as a brace.  You measure the doorway (say it comes to
exactly 30" wide, you would make the sheet of plexiglas for that doorway
30 1/2" wide) and put the sheet in by flexing it a bit to fit and pushing
it back against the firring strip to keep a fert from jumping at it and
pushing it in.  Measure the inseam of the shortest person in the house,
then cut the vertical measurement of the plexiglas about 1" lower than the
inseam.  This way, you can easily step over it to go from one room to the
next.  I suggest you put small plastic stickers on the plexiglas, to make
it easy to see when it is in place.
 
SMELL
In order to combat the smell, change the diet.  The food you give them
can impact the litter box odors a great deal.  If you feed a high-quality
food, the odor can be cut dramatically.  Not only does it smell less, it
also saves money in the long run, because the ferrets metabolize more of
the food, meaning they don't need to eat as much.  Reduced odor, reduced
useage, less money spent.  I recommend Iams.  If they don't eat it at
first, put a few squirts of ferretone on it (stir to mix it up).
 
OUT OF CAGE POTTY PROBLEMS
To keep corners from being abused, tack some plastic (you can buy a
plastic tarp for covering things like boats for the winter, at a home
improvement store, for about $5 for a huge piece) down in each corner
(about 2 feet by 2 feet square, plus about 6 inches up each wall).  Use
thumb tacks and a small hammer to put them in, but don't pound them in
hard, as you'll want to remove them to replace the plastic from time to
time.  After the plastic is down, put newspaper over it and tack it in
place, too, using separate tacks.  Put litter on top of the newspaper (not
a lot, so it doesn't get dragged around).  When the paper needs changing,
just roll it up, fold the ends and toss into a plastic grocery bag (remove
groceries first!  :)).  You may find that having friends and neighbors
save their newspapers for you will help.  Also, before replacing the
newspaper, use an all-purpose cleaner (I use Clorox Clean-Up) and some
paper towels to wipe down the plastic.
 
NO TIME?
Now, you may say "I don't have the *time* to do all of this!!!"  That
isn't true.  Yes, it will take time to set it all up, but you can do it
one project at a time until its all done.  Once done, it doesn't take
that long.  I have 11 ferrets, as I said before.  It takes me a total of
about 1/2 hour per day to feed and clean up after them all...and I don't
particularly hurry when doing it.
 
SHOULD I GIVE THEM UP?...OR NOT!!!!
The whole thing in a nutshell, is that, if you really love your ferrets,
there are inexpensive, non-time-consuming, easy-to-implement ways to keep
them from driving you nuts.  The big thing here is that you have to *want*
to.  If you are really just looking for a reason to move them on, then
just say so and offer them up.  Don't worry about what others feel on
this matter.  They aren't you and they don't live in your house.  Their
opinions are unimportant.  The only suggestion I have to make on that
matter though, is that you be extremely honest as to the behavior of your
ferret(s) that you find new homes for.
 
EXAMPLE
Another pair of ferrets that I rescued, lived with a family that also
had a dog and some cats.  These ferrets didn't even have a litter box to
*use*, let alone get trained for one.  They also bit your feet (no, not
"nip"...BITE!), harrassed the cats and dog--drawing blood on several
occasions.  They did their bit where ever they wanted to.  They also ate
disgusting food and stank to high heaven.  I rescued them (for $150) from
the family.  They lied to me, saying they didn't bite, they always used a
litter box (where was the litter box???) and they got along great with
cats and dogs.  They were just trying to get rid of them.
 
However, after about three months, they both eat Iams (no ferretone
needed), they share Chewy's cage (they are the "kids" play group) and
play time, they use a litter box most of the time (Run, a girl, has to be
reminded a few times per week, but remembers for a few days afterward),
they don't bite (they do still nip just a bit, but only occasionally, when
they want your attention and you aren't giving it to them!) and are very
kind to the cat--they give him at least three seconds notice before
chasing after him! :)  They also love to play with me, inviting me to
get down on the floor and wrestle, chase and otherwise have a good time.
They also dance just for the pure joy of dancing! :)  They've *got* to
get better music, though...I'm getting a little tired of the Bee Gees.
 
Basically, it comes down to: Do you want to find a way to keep your
ferret(s), or do you just want them to go live with someone else and free
up your home again?  Whatever your decision, make it, then follow through.
If you want to keep them, but want advice on how to either prevent
something, or change a behavior, drop me a line and ask.  I have had
ferrets for about 3 years now.  My ferrets have a wide range of
personalities and mental capabilities (Hershey is a genius, while Stuffy
is close to being an idiot!), so I've had lots of practice in learning
how to "proof" things, as well as how to protect myself and
everyone/everything in my home.  I am willing to share my experiences
with my ferrets, if you want the help.
 
Todd and the (We ain't trained...we just haven't figgered out how to beat
his proofing yet!)Fuzzbutt Rodeo Clowns!
 
Uh oh...watchout for that ferret...he's gonna...too late...got any paper
towels handy? :)
 
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[Posted in FML issue 3585]