Although Dr. Williams is no longer on the listserv, I am addressing my
reply to his response to me because this was the original forum for my
question and because he was helpful to me.  Also, because an anonymous
post the next day was so full of self-doubt, I hope that my reply may
give CA some perspective.
 
On Feb. 9, Bruce Williams, DVM wrote:
>In a case like this, when you have a fast growing neoplasm and you >can't
>figure out what it is, then you go to another pathologist.
 
I am sure this is true and something I should have considered.  However,
at the time, I didn't and I also didn't consider that there might be any
medical treatment that would cure the condition.  As I said, the tumor was
already highly vascularized and surgery extremely risky.  At the time I
made the decision and accepted the fact that later I might learn more or
feel differently, but at the time I made the best decision I could.
 
>That's the classic problem when a diagnosis isn't given - here you are
>expecting the worst, and you go from day to day hanging.
 
I see and appreciate this point.  I guess I never felt I was hanging as I
believed - and still do - that my job was to make her happy and keep her
from suffering.  I felt that I was doing all I could do for her and that
knowing a name would not change the care and treatment she would receive,
as she was being treated symptomatically.  I may have been wrong, but I
made the decision with her best interest at heart.  I have been grateful
for everyday I have had her.  One of the reasons it took so long to post
this reply is because there were a few days I thought were my last.
However, the every 3 hour feedings and the support care have been worth
the extra time.  I thought we were making our last trip to the vet one
day and she perked up and changed our minds.  Still had something else to
teach me, I guess.
 
>You know, it depends on the type of tumor - lymphomas break down quickly,
>adrenal glands moderately, and smooth muscle tumors extremely slowly.
 
Thank you so much for this information as it helps to know a time frame.
I understand that it depends both on the location and type of the tumor.
Now, let me be a little more specific.  Does it also depend on the size
of the tumor.  For example, in a large (we are talking grapefruit sized)
highly vascularized tumor, does the most central part of the tumor
deteriorate faster, even in formalin?  I can't remember if it can work
it's way into all parts of the tumor quickly enough.  Or, do you still get
enough information to help you (as a vet) learn how to better help other
ferrets in the future?  I am a very detail oriented person and need to
know that all my variables are controlled.
 
I know that I may learn that the tumor might have been safely removed by
another vet using other techniques or that it was a primary adrenal tumor,
even though she never showed signs of adrenal disease until 4 months later.
I have since learned much and know that my knowledge regarding pathology of
the ferret is limited.  There is no way I can know it all and, even though
I put a great deal of trust and faith in my vet(s), there is no way they
can either.  I demand a lot of them, I know, but I have found a pedestal to
be a most unstable perch.  Those placed upon them undoubtedly will fall.
Therefore, I try to remember that we are all human.  All we can do is the
best we can and sometimes that will not be good enough.
 
On Feb 10, [log in to unmask] [CA] wrote:
>I am haunted now, by wondering.  Maybe I should have asked the vet to try
>to remove the tumor with the liver lobe it was attached to, and the nodule
>on her pancreas.  She was in shock, but her heart was still "strong".
>Maybe maybe I shouldn't have had the vet give her that final shot Oh,
>this is too hard.
 
My heart aches when I read the agony in the self-doubt about the decisions
we make.  I do not like to make the decision to put a pet to sleep because
I believe in miracles.  This is not to say that I expect that one will
always occur.  I believe there comes a time when we *know* there will be
no divine intervention.  The decision to let a pet go is not made lightly
and is always the best decision we could make at the time.  I believe in
a loving omnipotent God and I believe He cares for all the little critters
on the earth, as well.  If I trust Him to care for my critters, and believe
He has their best interest at heart, then I also must believe that He has
control of the decision that I make at the time.  Just as I know when it is
time to wait, I know when it is time to let go.  I play the "what if" and
"if only" games very well.  I can honestly say, in retrospect, that I have
learned many things because of the illnesses and deaths of my pets.  I also
have come to realize that the information I have now may have allowed me to
make some different choices.  BUT, at the time I made my decisions, with
the information I had available, I made the best decision I could.
 
Should I have taken a chance with surgery for my Li'l Girl?  Maybe.  I have
seen my vet pull ferrets in worse shape than her through a 50-50 chance.
If she had not made it, I would have not had the past 7 months with her.
Should I have put her to sleep 2 weeks ago?  Maybe, but she perked up and
even visited a vet school where future vets learned from her.  And, just
last week I learned something new that may help make her more comfortable
for a while longer.  When I lost my Smokey, I agonized because we ran out
of time before we found a solution.  That is why, as long as they continue
to breathe, I will continue to offer one last chance.  But, when the time
comes to say, "No more," hopefully I will have the grace and the strength
to allow each one the rest and peace (s)he deserves.
 
So, maybe we should, maybe we shouldn't.  These little ones were given into
our care for a reason - and for a very brief season.  As someone on this
list said, I am too practical to really believe in the Rainbow Bridge,
but I am also not so arrogant that I will say it doesn't exist.  What I
do believe is that we do the best we can at the time and a loving God is
there - quite often in the form of others who have known the same pain -
to wipe away our tears.  And this is one of the most important things that
the FML has done for me - given me friends with common interests, uncommon
knowledge, diverse beliefs and a broad range of tolerance - so that I might
become both a better ferret owner and human being.  For that, I thank you.
 
renee :)
[Posted in FML issue 3341]