My FML family,
 
I have been still hanging on longer than I meant to, as leaving the list
was harder than I thought.  Losing Fang left such a big hole in me, that I
kept reading the FML as a way of "hanging on" to Fang.  I have learned that
this doesn't work, and if anything, it just makes it hurt more.  Every time
I read of another loss, I relive my own.  I feel pain for you guys, and
worry for your sick ones.  (Yes, I share your joy, too).  I know that this
is what we are all about here, but without a ferret of my own, it is like
reading how to have great sex and knowing the whole time you aren't going
to have *any*.  (Not a very good analogy, but point made).
 
There were some good days lately....sort of numb, but busy; just going
through the motions of everyday life and trying not to think about Fang.
But last night I woke up at 3:00 A.M. for no reason at all, and the
thoughts started...the kind that fill your mind in the dark when everything
looks bleak; the time of night when one worries and thinks about negative
things, and the more you try not to, it just escalates.  I started
remembering when Fang was young, and could climb up the bed with the speed
of a bullet to give me wake up kisses.  Then he would run to do the same
to my son.  It was always Fang's job to make sure everybody was up on time.
I remembered every morning, for four years, how he would wait at the top
of the stairway until my husband was ready to go down for breakfast.
Then Boyd would say, "Get ready, go!", and they would race to the bottom,
followed by a leaping dance (both of them) around the living room.  I
remembered that no matter who came home at what time, little Fang would be
at the door to greet us.  If he was upstairs in the dresser, he would at
least appear at the top of the stairs to look down and see who came home.
He always came when called.  He always left a "present" if we had forgotten
to change his litter box in time, or if we tried to sleep in on a day off.
(when he could no longer climb up to tell us it was time to get up NOW).
The *morning present* was always left on my side of the bed.
 
I remembered my husband's tennis shoe going down the back hall, day after
day, and always only the LEFT one.  For four years, the left shoe would
be found in all the places a shoe shouldn't be.  When Fang got older, and
started his surgeries and meds, things slowed down, and the left tennis
shoe was easier to find.  These last few months I would often find it half
way up the stairway where he had left it; his strength to drag it up had
given out.  Of course, I would carry it to the top, and gently place it
near him.
 
I remembered how more affectionate he became this last year; more tolerant
to mommy's kisses, and actually seeming to enjoy cuddling in the crook of
my neck for long periods of time while I rocked him.  This is what I miss
the most now, the warmth of him up against me.  So last night at 3:00 A.M.
the tears soaked my pillow one more time, after several dry nights.  It was
hard to read the FML this morning, so I gotta sign off the list..for my
heart's sake.
 
I hope that I helped someone on this list, as so many of you have helped
me.  I have three notebooks full of stuff you've taught me, enough in my
head to be a veterinarian's cheerleader, and enough in my heart to overflow
the River of Tears at the Rainbow Bridge.  Thank you for a place to unload
my poetry, and actually have it be appreciated.  Thank you for being a
place I could come to for comfort, understanding, and knowledge.  If you
guys have your next symposium out west (Reno is fairly close) I will pack
up the car with hugs and make the trip!
 
Meanwhile, I have new friends to keep in touch with from this list, and
I treasure you all.  I wish I could make it come true, when I say that I
wish for all of you *happy tails*,but I know that there will continue to
be sadness and suffering along with the joy.  So I will wish for you the
strength to get through the bad times, and that the joyous times far
outweigh the sad.
 
I'll look forward to being back in a few months with a new fuzzy to
introduce!
 
Happy Tails,
lizzi ...(who rocks little Fang to sleep in her dreams, and writes him
poems in her heart and mails them with kisses via The Moonbeams Express
to the Bridge).
[Posted in FML issue 3313]