This press release issued persuant to Regulation 1L33.8FL.OZ and hence
declassified from SECRET, then CONFIDENTIAL, then RESTRICTED and ultimately
now is unclassified and is made available to ferreters nationwide through
the auspices of this organization, to wit:
 
The 27-man (oops! and 3 women too) research team at the headquarters of
the Ferret Endowment for Research, Rehabilitation, Education & Training
Society NorthWest (F.E.R.R.E.T.S, NW, aka FNW) following two years of
intensive research and strenous testing in the ultra modern laboratories
here at FNW have uncovered a tremendous money saving device that should
hearten the grief of all ferreters worldwide who, through no fault of their
own, may have dropped a fully or partially filled water bottle while
performing ferret and or ferret cage maintenance.
 
As it is with the larger quart-sized water bottles, when at free-fall, do
impact the concrete floor such that the plastic bottle is rendered asunder
and centers itself somewhat akwardly more or less centrally into a
concentric, radial pattern of splashed and dashed water and pieces of
fractured plastic (or as the case may be - glass).
 
The only parts usually reclaimable of the dropped and smashed water bottle
are the screw cap and its center projecting licking tube encased in its
rubber or plastic seal.  This is a rather useless item without its normally
accompanying bottle.  Nowhere can one buy a bottle by itself.
 
Highly advanced research efforts here have revealed that the following
makes a suitable (and delicious) substitute for the broken water bottle.
 
I'm looking at it now; it's a 1 liter 33.8 fluid ounce plastic bottle of
A & W Sparkling Vanilla CREAM SODA with natural and artificial flavors.
It's about the same diameter of the standard cage water bottle and takes
perfectly the screw cap and licking tube.  It's a perfect substitute.
 
Oh, and yes, the Research Supervisor was required to test the liquid
contents (a noble sacrifice) to the last drop and it was noted thereafter
that the resounding belches indicated no lethal toxicity.
 
Edward Lipinski, Chief Researcher (and Ace pooper scooper)
[Posted in FML issue 3205]