Q: "I am 100% serious....when I was a boy scout at a jamboree, I was given
a gold painted moose turd glued to a paper....After reading your primitive
art tagline, I thought it would be fun to make some ferret turds into real
art....Since you are some sort of a scientist and know all about
preservation of biological products, can you tell me how to preserve ferret
turds?"
 
A: I simply cannot make a reply better than the question; "turd" is a word
that always makes me chuckle.
 
I have to be honest.  When I first read this, I though my leg was being
seriously pulled, but after several emails and an actual honest-to-God
phone call, I can assure you the person is serious.  The question was not
a joke and the person has full intentions of making some of these to give
away at Ferrets 2000 as calling cards.  I originally answered this
privately, but was encouraged to post it on the FML so other people, with
similar demented senses of humor, can benefit from my scientific knowledge.
I must say, this question is a first and gets my vote for the "strangest
question of the year" award.  However, since I was once employed by a small
neighborhood comic shop (I was 12) to make fake doggie poo out of newpapers
and flour, I will post this in the spirit of fun.
 
I have no idea how you will be collecting or handling these items and I
really don't want to know, so I will just assume they have magically
appeared on a cookie sheet, hereto referred to as the poop deck.  Arrange
your artistic items, hereto referred to as ferret art, in whatever artistic
shape you wish to preserve on the poop deck, and SLOWLY dry them at about
100 F until they are hard, dark and rock solid.  At that point, there
should be no odor, and if the drying was slow enough, the ferret art should
be left intact.  Real solid waste.  (Sorry, short giggling break.  I'm
better now).
 
Once dry, you need to add a preservative.  You can either soak your ferret
art in a balsa wood sealer (or similar thinned wood preservative), spray
them with a medium coat of a flat plastic sealer, or, treat them like a
fossil and soak them in super glue.  The best way to do this is to take a
small piece of cardboard and push two straight pins through the back.
Using a method I care not to know, lightly push your ferret art onto the
pins so the ferret art is held securely above the cardboard, stuck on the
pins.  Yes, this is a sort of sticky poopie.  (Sorry, another giggling
break....)
 
Now, simply soak the ferret art with superglue or sealer, or spray it with
the plastic.  Once sealed and dry, the ferret art should hold it's shape
and be perfectly safe to handle.  Or use.  Whatever.  If you used
superglue, the ferret art should be solid enough to glue to a tietack to
be used as a lapel pin.
 
Now, if I can say this without some sort of giggling fit, there is a sort
of strange, macabe feeling of fun to this, and it was suggested that I hold
some sort of contest for the most inventive use of ferret art (NO!  I am
not full of crap!).  So let me know; if I get enough interest in some sort
of competition, I would be willing to come up with some wacky prizes (maybe
a framed photo of me mooning the CaCaLand fishing Gestapo and Crapola
Society) for the winners.  perhaps the entries could be displayed at the
Ferrets 2000 meeting later this year, or we could even publish them on the
web.  Let me know and I'll work on it.  Just remember, there is delight in
the absurd AND you can make your opinions known about judging at ferret
shows.
 
Now, what I would really like to see is someone with jewelry experience
using a circular poopie to make a lost wax casting of a silver ring.  I
would love a poopie ring!  Or as a mold to make ceramic poopie rings to be
used as napkin holders.  Can you imagine a "pile of poopie" salt and pepper
shakers?
 
Bob C and 16 Mo' Artistic Ferrets (where every poopie is a potential
treasure!)
[Posted in FML issue 3025]