No doubt many of you computer science nerds out there have heard of the
"Gang of Four".  Well we are one better than that.  We are the "Gang of
Five" and we specialise in driving our human insane!
 
My name is Thor and I am an intellifert(tm) - a ferret of superior
intellect.  I use my massive brain to thwart almost all of my humans
'proofing' (he is so easy to outsmart, hardly a challenge at all really).
One of my best efforts was managing to get access to the shelf in the
pantry.  Supposedly it was well out of reach, but I cracked it!  It took
me a while, but I figured out that by standing on the door jamb on my back
legs (like a Prairie dog) I got just the extra height I needed.  I launched
myself at the shelf and managed to just get my front legs over the edge.
So here I am with the shelf under my 'armpits' and I'm swinging back and
forth.  On each forward swing I'd grab a packet of stuff and pull it off
the shelf, then 'investigate' it.  I had macaroni, rice, cornflakes and
breadcrumbs all over the kitchen floor before I got busted!  I expected my
human to be really angry, but he just stood there like a stunned mullet.
I have heard him tell other humans that he was too impressed with my feat
to be angry!  The shelf has a big perspex lip now.  Although not quite as
impressive, the other thing I do that drives my human to despair is this.
I stick my front feet in the water bowl and walk backwards, sploshing water
everywhere.  I do this every night and every night my human has a hissy
fit.  He reckons he might as well just tip the water on the carpet and be
done with it.  He then mops up, refills the bowl and then I wait until he
is not looking and do it all again!  I just pretend I don't know what the
heck he is on about if he catches me and yells.  I just look him straight
in the eye and keep walking.  Drives him nuts!
 
Hey there, my name is Milly.  I'm kinda new here, but I'm doing my best to
meet the high expectations of the rest of the gang on the driving the human
insane front.  I'm a little insomniac ferret on speed.  Well that's what
my human reckons, whatever that means.  He calls me the "Energiser Bunny"
'cause I just keep going and going and going and... well you get the
picture.  My favourite method of annoying the human is to wait until the
others all go to bed for their mid evening nap then I bug him non stop to
come play (and I do mean non stop).  He is usually at the computer, so I
play with his feet, run up his legs and onto the desk or jump onto his
back off the arm of the couch.  I don't let up until he gives up and comes
to play.  Some times if he is particularly busy he will only give me the
briefest of pats or cuddles, but 9 times out of 10 I convince him that
playing with the ferret is much more important than the stuff on the
computer!  He then curses himself for being so 'weak'.  I also like to hide
mouthfuls of kibble.  Normal ferret behaviour, 'cept I like to screw with
his mind by hiding kibble all over the house and in all sorts of weird
places, like the corners of the window sills or in the underwear laying
on the bathroom floor.
 
I'm Grover.  I'm supposed to be Thors understudy, but for the most part I
just can't be bothered.  My human calls this being mellow or something.  I
do occasionally like to keep my human on his toes though.  Sometimes I will
get an uncontrollable urge to bounce back and forth off the walls (this is
a war dance apparently) and when this occurs the human best beware.  When
I've broken out of my mellowness and am war dancing, I like to run up
behind the human and grab his sock while he is walking along.  For this to
be effective though it requires impeccable timing.  I wait until his foot
is in the air, at the top of his stride, and then make my leap.  It usually
results in the human almost toppling over and falling on his face.  It is
even funnier when he is carrying a drink and I make him slosh it over
himself!
 
Snuff here.  I'm fairly new here too.  I was adopted with Milly.  I take my
cue from Grover, 'cept I'm mellower (and cuter).  My claim to fame is that
I can jump higher than 90% of the ferrets out there.  I caused my human to
rethink his barriers and plant heights when I came on the scene.  He thinks
he has me pegged now, but trust me, I'm just biding my time.  Hee hee.
Sometimes I take a leaf out of Millys book and scare the bejezuss out of
the human by leaping onto his back from the arm of the couch.
 
Lady Penelope reporting.  I am an expert in driving the human 'round the
twist.  Despite my name, my human reckons I'm no lady.  I employ a multi
pronged strategy.  The human loves to pretend he is a (fat) ferret and get
down and wrestle.  This is all well and good until he puts his face up to
mine, then I strike out like a rattle snake and bite him on his big nose!
It is so funny watching him clutch his nose in pain with tears rolling
down his checks.  The strange thing is, he never seems to learn.  What a
dumbass.  Grover could learn a thing or two from me - when I get under
foot, I really get under foot.  It is so funny watching the human do a
Scottish Highland Fling!  This is especially effective in the kitchen (you
know, the place where the treats are).  I keep getting under foot, all
the while looking up with my 'I haven't eaten in 3 weeks' puppy dog eyes.
Works every time.  Sometimes he makes the mistake of giving me a small
treat, which I just swallow and go back into my routine.  Finally he will
give me a big treat which I have to take away and devour in private.  A lot
of the time he implores me to leave him alone as he is just washing dishes,
not preparing food.  Like I'm supposed to care or something!  The last
thing I like to do is very simple, but very effective.  Usually I wait
until the human is doing his fat ferret routine and when the others are
distracting him, I shoot up his trouser leg and nip him on the calf or back
of the knee, depending on how far up I can get.  He really hates this and
makes this gawd awful noise!
 
Dooks,
Thor, Grover, Lady Penelope, Milly, Snuff
 & harassed human David.
[Posted in FML issue 3133]