This is an important warning!  Be advised that based on the information you
have provided I suspect that you are very close, very close indeed to one
of the main bunkers of a group which has been eluding us for months now.
Up to now we have been unable to link a specific "agent" to the notorious
band of rebels we are calling the "Masked Mercenaries".  Based upon your
discovery of "Chiquita" racing from the scene of the explosion, we feel
certain she is a key member of this band.
 
You are advised to use extreme caution from this point on.  I am duty bound
to warn you that your safety, and that of all members of your household may
be in grave danger.  Consider the risks before you decide, however, we
would like for you to join forces with us in our efforts to discover the
intentions of the group "MM".  (We have not yet determined if they are a
group dedicated to peaceful or to militant causes.) Do you have any reason
to suspect that Chiquita is a revolutionary?  Please observe her closely
and inform us immediately of any suspicious behavior.  (Including but not
limited to the wearing of tiny berets, fake mustaches, submitting lists of
demands to newspapers or other public forums, possession of fake visa's or
of biological weaponry - often stockpiled in strategic corners.)
 
We are certain the encounter you described was not with an ordinary roll of
bathroom tissue, but rather with one of their highly advanced TP-Bombs!  We
suspect this is similar to their PT-Bomb which I came in close contact with
recently (as you are already aware).  It is imperative that we learn more
about this technology.  There have been other reports of similar incidents
involving newspaper and facial tissue.  If you have any of these items in
your home, use extreme caution when in close proximity to these!  Monitor
and report any suspicious behavior of suspected MM agents involving these
items.
 
I have received reports of "mysterious tapes" from other sources as well.
These tapes had also been converted to "confetti".  This strange discovery
sparked questions and suspicions in the minds of the discoverer, so, rather
than dispose of the debris, it was carefully collected and delivered by
special messenger to one of our country's most sophisticated laboratories
for analysis.  Most of the material was too damaged to restore or retrieve
clues from, however, there were a few small segments of the tape that could
be matched together.  The report I have on my desk from that lab contains
excerpts from the tape:
 
"Good afternoon, Agent [inaudible or missing]  Your mission, should you
decide to accept it [inaudible or missing] As always, should you or any of
your [inaudible or missing] team be compromised, the [inaudible] Mustelid
[inaudible] will disavow any knowledge of your mission.  This tape will
self destruct in five seconds."
 
Based upon this report combined with the information you have supplied we
are convinced that the item mentioned in your message which apparently
exploded was in reality an advanced communications device.  No doubt
Chiquita had just received her encoded instructions through this device and
then exited the area immediately as the device self-destructed in order to
destroy all evidence of the group's covert communication.  Please send any
remnants of this device to me immediately for thorough laboratory testing.
 
Also be advised that one of my close associates believes she has in her
midst the "team strategist".  She reports that a particular masked
marauder, now a suspected member of the MM, has deliberately sought out
and/or stolen the following items: chess pieces, camera equipment, laptop
computer, calculator, electronic game including "battle/combat" type disk,
remote controlled robot toy (this item "has a big claw that can grab and
hold things, and is easily controllable with the press of a paw").  She
also believes another member of the band, currently dwelling in her midst,
is in "flight training".
 
The following is a list of items we have discovered in other bunkers we
suspect are occupied by this group: an accumulation of silver and other
metals (earrings, rolls of coins), power sources (batteries), light sources
(flashlight), a special type of polish or anti-friction coating material
(nail polish), books and magazines on several topics (we are not at liberty
to discuss these topics at present).  Transmissions of encoded email
messages have also been interrupted which we are convinced are linked to
this group.
 
One theory currently under consideration is that one objective of this
radical group is to free certain political figures in order to circumvent a
future medical procedure.  These political figures are suspected to be
Josh, Pele', and Lucky, however, there may be others that we are unaware
of.
 
Once again, you are advised to use extreme caution when monitoring
Chiquita's movements or those of other suspected members of her group.
 
I will be contacting you privately with further instructions, as I suspect
MM members at this location are monitoring this list closely.
 
Trish
[Posted in FML issue 2986]