Dear Dr. Ferret,
 
I am concerned about my human.  Though I am taken to the vet yearly for my
check up and shots, I have no such way to check on the health of my human.
Is there any way I can do any tests at home to make sure my human is still
in good working order?
 
Signed,
Fuzzy in Philadelphia
 
Dear Fuzzy,
I hope this helps
 
How to conduct a check up on your person.
 
1.Check first for hearing acuity .  This should be done several times at
different times of the day.  There are several options available, including
the following
 
When your person is holding you, nuzzle up next to their face (act snuggly
and lovable to gain their trust) When the person is at ease, stick your
nose into the ear and sniff LOUDLY.  If your human jumps and squeals, you
can assume the probability of normal hearing.  This test should be repeated
on both ears.  It is possible, though, that the temperature of your cold
wet nose causes the reaction.  Try this test several times, first warming
your nose.
 
There are two reliable hearing tests you can perform remotely, while in
your cage, or roaming around your house.  You can try digging all the
litter out of your box.  The sound of litter hitting the bottom of a cage
will bring any human with normal hearing into the room with speed.  (The
human may be yelling, NO STOP DON T  Disregard these utterances, as they
have no bearing on the test results.) You can also empty your food bowl
in the same manner, though some practitioners would consider this to be a
waste of good food.  The next test works best in the middle of the night
(wait until about 3 or 4 in the morning.) Station yourself next to your
litterpan, water bottle, or food bowl.  Insert your nose between your
chosen test instrument and the side of the cage, raise your head and let
it fall, making sure that a reasonably loud sound is made.  Repeat over
and over and over and over until test subject comes dashing from the
bedroom to investigate.  (Don t be satisfied with a vocal response.  For
the test result to be conclusive, the subject must leave the sleeping
area.)
 
2. A vision exam is the next step to take.  This has several options, as
well.  The first is to lay, belly-up, on the floor in front of your person.
A person who can see properly will bend down to scoop you up.  Only a blind
person will ignore a ferret on its back.  A test for peripheral vision is
a bit complicated.  The first step is to escape from your cage.  The next
phase is difficult.  You have to hide long enough for your person to give
up the search.  Then, as they settle down to wait for you to surface, they
may go to the computer, or turn on the television.  Your next move is to
scurry from your hiding place, and dash to a new one.  If your human stops,
and looks in your direction, there s a good chance that their peripheral
vision is normal.  You may have to avoid capture for several hours to make
sure your test is thorough.  This test is best done after you ve slipped
out of your bell collar.  Another test, for night vision, is possible to do
during the day.  Snatch something your human uses a lot, such as car keys.
Place them as far underneath the bed or sofa as you can.  If your human can
spot them in the gloom under the furniture, be assured of normal night
vision.
 
3.  Next, check for reflexes.  The following tests may seem a bit extreme,
but it is VITAL to assure the complete health of your human.  Humans often
remove their protective foot coverings.  The toes are a good place to check
for foot reflexes.  Sneak up, and nip at the toes, making sure not to get
yourself kicked or stepped on.  If your human makes a screeching noise, or
jerks up the foot, you can assume normal reflexes.  Another test, if your
human is less responsive to the toe test, involves a bit of maneuvering.
When your human is seated or lying down, there s a bit of tender skin above
the knees.  This is where the maneuvering comes in.  Most humans are leery
of any investigating in this area.  If you can, position yourself near the
knee, and take another nip.  It can be harder or softer than the toe nip,
depending on how aggressive the practitioner is.  The most common response
to this stimulus is a loud screech followed by the human equivalent of the
War Dance. (note that this rendering of the dance is not nearly as elegant
as those performed by ferrets.)
 
These are basic tests that you can use to assure yourself that your human
is healthy.  Good luck, and I hope you and your human have a happy and
healthy relationship.
 
Sincerely,
 
Dr. Ferret
[Posted in FML issue 2981]